Michael's Pond

Essay for James “Rhio” O'Connor Memorial Scholarship

2010-02-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

This essay is in response to the question, “What would I do to find out about treatments and other sources of help and how would I respond if I found myself in a similar situation to what Rhio faced.

Rhio O'Connor was diagnosed with mesothelioma and was given a year to live. Instead of giving up Rhio did his own research and lived for a total of seven more years. This man did his own research and chose what forms of therapy he would use. Rhio also had an optimistic spirit and a belief in something greater than himself which also helped him through the time.
Mesothelioma is a rare form of cancer that is formed in a protective lining over many of the internal organs of the human body. The most common cause of this cancer was from asbestos exposure. Up until 1981 asbestos was used as the main heat shield fire resistant covering over many heaters, boilers, and heating/air conditioning combo units. In the most advanced stages of the cancer tumors on and around the abdomen or the lung may collapse.
Honestly, I am not sure that I would live my life any different than already do. I try to make a habit of being an avid researcher and a student of life, look for other ways that I may be able to approach the same issue, and try to live everyday if it was my last. Ultimately my trust is placed in something greater than myself and what his plan is for my life. In the end of life the one thing in common that seemed to be important to people was not what they did or did not do, it was who they had or didn't have around them. Its the relationships there were built, not built, or destroyed that weigh heaviest on the mind. At the end of my life I don't want to be concerned about the things I did, the money I had, or the the toys I had; I want to know that I enjoyed every moment of it with the people that were put around me.
The research I would do though would be from most any source possible. The hokey things like psychic surgeons and demonic exorcism would be out of my realm. Exploring things like humor, natural remedies, diet, and environmental changes would be on my list. I would not throw out prayer or some of the more invasive treatments either. I would make sure that the people around me knew that they were loved and that I had the support that I needed. There is nothing that can help any situation more than honest love.
I would also continue to pursue what was in my heart. Although I may throw jobs to the wind and just travel. One thing that I haven't had the chance to do and I would love to is to be so far out to sea that I can no longer see any land left. My tendencies would increase even more in helping others' pursue their dreams and goals. Being the encouragement and counsel that they need when they need it. I would make sure that on my head stone it would read, “This man did not go gentle into the night.”
With these things in mind reading just the little I have about Rhio has given me hope that this attitude is not isolated; that I am not alone in that thought process. It gives me hope that others out in the world today also embrace some of the same ideologies and that they too embrace life to its fullest. Part of me wants to say, “Its sad that some people have to wait until they know their time is almost up to truly live life.” But that really doesn't matter when they do, just that they do. It is like a light suddenly turned on in a dark room, the darkness flees and everything is seen the way it was meant to be.
I can hope and pray that even in this short response to some good questions can inspire maybe one person to live life a little fuller. Live with no regrets and keeps others' well being at heart. May the light shine on you all.

For more information please visit, http://www.survivingmesothelioma.com.

iPad: My over-rated opinion

2010-01-28T13:31:00.001-08:00

It is a niche market thing. I know does things to try and plan for the future and they have really intelligent people to do that, they are also good at whipping up a frenzy of consumer-minded buyers to aimlessly buy their products.

Also with the lock in with itunes and how all the software is becoming proprietary it is becoming almost a monopoly. I remember when Microsoft was sued for monopolizing when Internet Explorer was not allowed to be uninstalled from Windows. With how all the non-computer devices are becoming more locked to other programs not iTunes Apple is slowly locking people in in a similar manner to Microsoft.

Its not so much the device itself that I am not excited about, (but also think about such a device that uses transparent Active Matrix Organic Light Emitting Diodes) it can become super handy and the tech for smart cars is almost ready on a consumer level. Combine that with the Tesla Motors all electric cars and the self-adjusting cruise control with cameras on higher end luxury cars and then there is a vehicle that has a very low carbon foot print that is easy to use.... See More

Or in the medical field instead of paper charts everything because information stored on a server that is interfaced with on a mobile device. The iPhone does this already, but the bigger screen is handy when looking at x-rays, cat scans, or mri layouts

I am just not a fan of taking away choice. And I see the iPad as another step in creating a rabid corporate culture that divides people because of how emotional people get attached to a product. That's just a thing of human nature, but is it really wise to exploit it for money?

Very Rough Draft..... Work in Progress

2010-01-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

Family Groups

I am not sure were to start with this, but I feel compelled to explain some of my mindset and experiences before I get into the dirty details of the matter. We all would agree that family is important and that being in close contact with people is equally important. We all understand that community is important too. We read about it, not just in the Bible, but in the newpapers and magazines. Many religions even talk about community and how important it is. That aspect is not unique to the way Jesus taught. Then what is it? I hope to explore this a bit.

Lets start out with a little background of my experiences. Growing up I had both of my parents and a younger sister. From what I was told my sister and I were close when we were children and I don't remember much about my parents' relationship with each other. I do remember that when my parents took my sister and I to their parties, I would sometimes catch glimpses them doing lines in a bedroom. I didn't know exactly what that was, but I do remember quite distinctly that there was something incredibly wrong with that. It was at that that way my respect for my parents start to degrade. Now this happened sometime in between pre school and third grade. Third grade was a different matter.

This is when my sense of family, stability, and a good relationship between my parents was shattered. My mom slept with another guy at a party at the neighbor's house. I remember this guy leaving little stuffed bears and things in cars and around hidden corners for my mom. He would also buy her things like bicycles and electronics. When I got handed one of these gifts I also remember feeling really slimy and wanted to see this guy dead. He became the focus of the anger, frustration, confustion, and hatred that tore apart my family. My pictures started taking on darker images and the weapons that I drew were intended to be used on this guy. Either before or after my parents got back together my mom took my sister and I to Southern Oregon to live with her mom.

I didn't like this from square one. I was already super pissed and became a gigantic pain in the ass. I refused to do anything that was asked of me, whined and fought till I got my way, and started to hide in an emotional shell. I was very mad at my mom and I didn't really understand why. She signed me up for school down there, which I played along with right up until the first day of school. I remember quite clearly that day, sitting in the back seat of the car passively resisting going in. I was thinking about how much the kids would make fun of me for the situation my sister and I were in and how unfair it was for my dad to not have both of his children. I said that day that I wanted to go live with my dad.

Over the next few months I lived with my dad and he was having a hard time with everything. He was extremely depressed and we never really had time to hang out because of my schooling and his work schedule. Even after my parents got back together there were distant from us, or maybe I was distant from them. Either way my sense of family stability and connection was destroyed. My sister's and mine's relationship spiralled into darkness as I became a very controlling person. I didn't understand how to handle the situation, but I felt the need to do something about it. As I myself sunk deeper and deeper into depression it seemed as it I would never have a real family again. I never could get along with people that had a supportive and loving family because of my jealousy of what they had and I longed for. I was driving away those people that could possibly help recover the one thing my heart wanted.

This attitude and depression lasted and got worse all the way until my early twenties. Most of my life I had always wanted family, but never had the chance to even come close. In my early twenties I had this profound encounter with the Son of Man, Jesus, that changed my life. Shortly there after without my realization, he put me into a situation were I started to see what family was like. It did come a group of people that were involved in a side ministry of a church that I was attending. Also running parallel with this change was a change with my sister and my dad. Through the circumstances we all just went through, they made some decisions to change their lives also. The three of us started to grow closer and closer. I opened up to them about what was happening inside of me and what was going on in my mind growing up. The family I had was becoming more like a family. My mom is a different story. Anyway this family thing was coming around. The next step of this process would come from this word community.

Living in Portland, OR I heard a lot about community. It was the buzzword, the one thing that a lot of people latched onto. Both in and outside of church walls being and living in community was a common theme. There were plans to reach out and how one could live with a group of people in community. This all sounded good, but something deep inside wasn't satisfied. There is a word inside of community that I saw missing from all the examples. Unity. There were plenty of rules on the community could work together, plenty of borders to define who did what and when, and every person had their own specific place. If the flow that was set up by one or two people in charge, if someone didn't do their 'job' or didn't fill their 'role', then grace was not the answer. Those people were met with gossip, passive aggressive resistance, and excommunication. From what I have read and experienced from this Papa, these were not the fruits of the community of what Christ had set up or wanted.

My answer to this, run away to Hawaii.

Hawaii as I was told there, is probably the closest any land can get to what the Garden of Eden would have been like. Community is another one of those things that people move towards here. It was very real too. Whichever community you were 'in' is were you stayed. The people within that community helped each other out and would fight for each other. There was this sense of pride in the community you were a part of. Whether is was the Hawaiian, Filipino, Hippie, Farmer, Houlie, or even which school you were attending. People would gather around their banners and come together. Something else I also saw within these groups of people was a willingness to forgive those within the community if they didn't act 'by the rules.' In fact there really weren't any outside of just general respect. There was one instance though that showed me that something deeper than just community must be needed.

I was living on this piece of property called The Shire. The people that owned this property had a big idea in mind. This property would be turned into a self sustaining community that needed to outside influence to continue its existence for the years to come. This was an attempt at community. Nothing was required, they did ask for monetary donations if anyone had money and all the help on the property was on a volunteer basis too. Give give out of the compassion and love in your heart. Some gave more than others, some gave nothing at all. To the guy that was the 'manager' of the property he never forced the issue. He had an understanding that some people that it took everything they had to just wake up in the morning. Drugs were freely shared, food and chores was another matter. I saw one instance that showed me something about community that helped to form my present thoughts. Over breakfast two people almost came to throwing fists over who cooked what and then something about who was a leader within the community and who wasn't.

Shortly after this event, things changed for the owners of this property and they had to set up contracts with people, to sign, on how this land was going to be used for agricultural use. Now here was community, a system of rules and expectations that defined each persons role within the community independent of love and relationship. Immediately I saw the missing piece and it started my thinking into something more. This got me to thinking of people in Hawaii and in Oregon that showed that real community is only maintained from a mutual love and a deep relationship built between the people. The question then became, where does this live as an example in the world today? Families. Family is the connection of community and love of those around you. Family is one of those sparkles in Papa's eye.

Family is important I am sure we all can agree on that, but being as we live in America that has fostered this spirit of independence and self-reliance, do we understand just how deep family goes. When looking at other cultures or some religions in the world, family is the number one thing. Say take Islam for example: countries in which Islam is present the children are not even expected to attempt to leave the parents home until at least the age of 22 or 23. That is a four year difference from what happens here in America. Those years may not seem like a lot, until you have lived through them. As an adolescent a person is starting to develop their uniqueness as a person and personality. This time frame is the solidifying of such growth. Also, in Hawaiian culture the Ohana, family, is a top priority. When you are ohana, ohana sticks together. When one ends up hungry or homeless another member of the ohana helps them out. When everyone is out kayaking in the long boats, every able body helps to bring the boats to shore when the rowers are done. There is a personal pride within each Islander for which family they live in and belong too. This list could continue on for a long time, but I just wanted to point out that most of us still have a long way to go in understanding the richness of a true family connection that runs deeper than DNA.

Part of the reason of family, from my limited experience and observation, is to teach each and every person how to foster deep relationships with people over time and through both the best and worst of times. For when things get bad and someone leaves your life that damages both individuals. Or even when two people have a disagreement or a very emotional fight, damage is done to both parties. With a shallow relationship, which is what many never progress beyond, there is no room for reconciliation and a mending of the wounds. This is not in anyway, yet a theological scholar I am not, from what I read throughout the Bible what Papa, Jesus, God, the Father, ever wants for his children to experience. Living with your own family means there is no escape from the situation and it has to be worked out. No matter how much verbal venom is spit back and forth, no matter how many knives are planted in one another's backs, stomachs, hearts, or kidneys, there is no escape from the family you grew up around. In this case, with very exceptional circumstances withstanding, those relationships with family still exist today. I would almost be willing to become a betting man to say that those relationships continue to get deeper everyday. If it can be done once, why not again. A person's family started out as strangers and unknown people in each life; love was the one thing that kept everyone bonded together through all the seasons life had in store.

As a baby, this is pure speculation, we had no real understanding of love. We are violently thrust into an entirely unknown world full of strange things for all of our senses and left to figure it all out without any apparent help. If it wasn't for some loving family each baby would be left out in the unknown, alone, and they would die. (As all babies that are abandoned do.)

Even in these families though, there isn't much reaching out beyond the group. That is were the community aspect comes into play. To move beyond what has been established to use that connection to help others or maybe even invite them in to the circle. I mean think about, a person sees this group of people that are so close that the love is felt without even a word spoken. These people seem to be full of something that normally is missing from in front of our eyes, yet inside we all long for it. We don't have a name for it, just a need. A group of people seem to have it and then that same group of people invite that very same person in! What a treat! It would be like that cold and homeless person invited in the warm and loving holiday dinner that for many seasons they had only seem from the outside through the windows. On top of that invited to stay in the house! It is not good to foster the family connection without in some way sharing it with the world that is around us.

Really, what I am getting at is that someone needs to bridge the gap between the two and allow them to be transformed into something wholly something new. Something that sheds light just from its mere existence, something of the form of a kingdom living inside each and every person and a kingdom that has its gates open with a big welcome sign outside. Crowds of people just waiting and even crowds stepping out of the gates, to help and share the connection and gifts that exist within this kingdom. Why can't that someone be us?

What That Might Look Like

Since in writing I am unable to lay a whole bunch of concepts on top of one another, due to the fact that one letter must proceed the next, I may just start with an environment. Now a disclaimer, I am no way THE authority on this matter all of the information I will provided is purely my own conclusions from within my experience and conversations with Papa, that being said the environment seems like the best place to start. The environment is everything outside of each person and relationships between individual people. We are working from the outside in it seems. An environment in which family bonded relationships can be established while at the same time encouraging the outreach of communities may seem like a monumental task. One that nobody could do along and with the strength of one person. I would agree, it was never intended to be done alone. Our main example with this is God himself. Of all things he could have made himself be, he chose to have a perfect relationship within himself. A relationship that is bonded in perfect love and expresses itself in the same way. And onto Jesus, every step of his life he could have easily just taking over the world with the signs he could do, the armies he could call upon, and go the road alone. Instead he invited a young engaged couple into his circle and eventually 12 very difficult friends too. With these people he then sent out to do what he taught them, to live life in such a way that the expressed love and heart of the Father could not be denied. This Man of Son had an air about him, that everywhere he went the environment changed. And those 12 close to him obviously lived

in a different one.

This environment does have some distinct qualities about it. They were evident based on the interaction that the Christ had with people and also how those people continued after the ascension.

It was okay to make a wrong guess around and to make mistakes. Nobody was ever devalued based on anything that was or was not said. He walked in such a way that everybody had value.
Asking questions was never a wrong thing to do. There was always a response, but the act of asking a question never once was shot down with ridicule or shame.

Wolf: Always had my interest

2009-11-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

I found these interesting.

To understand totem wolf symbols, one must first understand the heart of the Wolf. This takes time because the Wolf has had to endure many false stereotypes, misconceptions and misunderstandings.
Some common traits that accompany totem wolf symbols:

Intelligence
Cunning
Communication
Friendliness
Loyalty
Generosity
Compassionate

Not at all the picture of ferocity or terror, the Wolf is a creature with a high sense of loyalty and strength. Another misconception is that of the “lone wolf.” To the contrary, the Wolf is actually a social creature, friendly, and gregarious with its counterparts. ***googlesmall.sthml***
The Wolf is an incredible communicator. By using touch, body movements, eye contact as well as many complex vocal expressions – the wolf makes his point understood. Those with totem wolf symbols are of the same inclination – they are expressive both vocally and physically. Those who have the wolf as their totem animal are naturally eloquent in speech, and also have knack for creative writing.
Totem wolf symbols belong to those who truly understand the depth of passion that belong to this noble creature. The Wolf is a representative of deep faith, and profound understanding.
Further, the Wolf possess a high intellect, and have been observed using strategies about hunting, habitat and migration.

Wolf: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Deeply emotional, and wholly passionate, the Wolf is the lover of the zodiac in both the physical and philosophical sense of the word. The Wolf understands that all we need is love, and is fully capable of providing it. Juxtaposed with his/her fierce independence – this Native American animal symbol is a bit of a contradiction in terms. Needing his/her freedom, yet still being quite gentle and compassionate – we get the picture of the "lone wolf" with this sign. In a nurturing environment the Wolf is intensely passionate, generous, deeply affectionate, and gentle. Left to his/her own devices the Wolf can become impractical, recalcitrant, obsessive, and vindictive.

Just thought provoking

Halloween Story- Little Red Riding Hood

2009-11-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

   Once upon a time this woman who was known for the red riding cloak she wore everywhere, awoke with a knock on her cottage door. She wasn't really sleeping, just in a state of meditation for vampires really don't sleep. When Red opened her door, her cousin was standing there. It was a pitch black night with only a hint of thunder in the distance. A vampire's eyesight made the night like day, nothing hindered their vision. Red's cousin was at the door, she never said a word, just handed her an ornate bone scroll case sealed with red wax and a black satin ribbon. Red's cousin, with no sound and with the swiftness of the wind, disappeared from Red's sight.

   Red opend the scroll and quickly read the letter inside. Her grandmother was sick. Red knew that she must visit her grandmother; to be that old of a vampire and sick was very rare. Red filled her basket with treats and trinkets to help her Grandmother feel better. After this she put on her red riding cloak and headed towards Grandmother's house; just then one lightning bolt streaked across the sky.

   This forest was scary even for a vampire. It was filled with werewolves and hunters alike, each looking for their next kill. Red, though, grew up not knowing the dangers. Red was moving through the forest enjoying each moment of the sights and sounds of the forest at night.

   While on her way to Grandmother's house, Red came across the Big Bad Werewolf. He called to her, "Hey, young vampire were are you going?"

   "I'm going to my Grandmother's house. She is sick," answerd Red.

   The Big Bad Werewolf continued, "I could go with you to protect you from the hunters." The Big Bad Werewolf only wanted to eat Red.

   "That's okay. I'm almost to Grandmother's house." responded Red.

   The Big Bad Werewolf seeing a chance to eat Red through trickery decided to let her go. "You better hurry up then, young vampire." With that the Big Bad Werewolf disappeared into the forest.

   When Red got to Grandmother's house, she noticed smoke coming from the chimney. The door was oddly left open just a tiny bit, so that when Red knocked the door opened. Red just went in, it was her Grandmother's house after all. The place was a little unkept, this was not like Red's Grandmother. Grandmother was a very tidy person adn spent much of her immortal life cleaning. The room was dark except for a couple candles, but Red noticed a wine glass set out for her. She drank from the glass and marveled at the taste of the blood. Red had never tasted blood so invigorating.

    With glas in hand Red went to where Grandmother would lay down. When she saw her Grandmother, Red became even more suspicious. she acted as though she hadn't noticed anything unusual. "Grandmother, I'm sorry that your sick and I couldn't get here sooner. How are you feeling?" Red asked.

The Big Bad Werewolf disguised as Grandmother answered, "Come closer love. This sickness has made my eyesight weak."

   As Red moved closer she became almost sure that this wasn't her Grandmother. Moving into a place to see Grandmother better, she questioned the imposter, "Why, Grandmother what big eyes you have now?"

   "Well, when I am better I shall be able to see you better, my love," answered the disguised Big Bad Werewolf.

   Red's next question came quickly, "Why, Grandmother what big ears you have now?"

   "Well, when I am better I shall be able to hear you better, my love." replied the Big Bad Werewolf.

   "Why Grandmother what big teeth you have now?" came Red's final question.

   "Well, when I am done digesting your Grandmother I will be able to eat you better, my love." With that the Big Bad Werewolf knew that he had been found out. He leaped at Red and because she moved with vampire speed, missed. The Big Bad Werewolf crashed into Grandmother's closet, where what remained of Grandmother fell out, along with many wine glasses filled with her blood.

   Red ran away into the dark forest were the lightning storm was in full bloom. The Big Bad Werewolf tracked Red down and cornered her with no sign of escape. Just then it sounded like thunder was right behind the Big Bad Werewolf. A few moments later another sound of thunder, then another, and one last sound. Four sounds in total and then the Big Bad Werewolf fell over dead.

   Red still not sure what was happening, stayed still. About half a minute passed and then one of those hunters came into sight. Red knew he would kill her too, so she hid her face under the hood of her red riding cloak.

   "Hello there young lady, are you okay?" came the calm yet excited voice of the hunter. Red just stayed hidden and quiet. The hunter moved closer, to try and comfort Red. When he came close enough, Red leaped at him, bit his neck and drank the hunter till no blood remained.

           THE END

Chaos Abounds

2009-10-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

Everything is spinning out of control, no sense of direction
He only whispers Relax
Fortune frowns on one soul today, the days stretch into weeks
The whisper is I am here
Resources running thin, no stability in sight. Things always changing, no daylight
Trust yet remains, however thin it may be
Lost, vunerable, wounded, and confused; these are the colors of the changing season
The whisper, You are Mine

What to do, where to turn?
do I run? Hide? Fight? or sink

Darkness were is your release?

New Phase: A Waxing Life

2009-10-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

The turbulence of drama and others' bad decisions leads me to betterment for myself. And sometimes it gets started when you wake up one morning finding out that a person you lived with, flipped their attitude over in a moment and started aggressively asking you to leave. Stating they had legal right to kick you out in less than 24 hours, to move your stuff, and to lock you out. Sounds like an introduction to either an anger driven drama or the possibility of a murder mystery. Thankfully it was more of the first, well out of those two choices thankfully, but in the middle of all of this a response of mine to this guy was, "If you wanted me to go you could have just asked, but since you want to pursue it the legal way, make sure you do it completely by ORS 90." I doubt that will happen. The reason given for this kind of treatment, "I'm protecting my credit score." I did tell this guy that I would be unable to pay my portion of the rent until the 15th. This 'friend' then promptly tries to kick me out and states, "Go be homeless and have a happy life." No this guy shouts that he is a christian, wasn't it this kind of treatment that cause Ghandi to say, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christian are so unlike your Christ."?

This guy made his choice, showed what was inside himself, and now he will have his harvest of the seeds he had sown. His choice was not a reflection of the Christ living within him or how it has affected his life. The only thing, even more so as I reflect upon his personality, that is shown in this former friend is the fact that outward appearances is what drives his interaction with people. A white-washed tomb. Grace bombs fall. No blame is inside of me toward the community that also wears that label or the man it speaks of. Sometimes others put me into this community of Christians, I just enjoy hanging out with the man Jesus.

This may seem a little disjointed, but that is because my mind is still reeling and whirling. This is just another step in showing what it would take within a small, family group to maintain a peace. The initial reaction would be to create rules to follow and have a severe punishment if they weren't followed. Does this really bring about an inward change and make every action a work of love? Typically not. So what would then? Possibly creating a time, a place, or something like there were people can speak their mind freely, let the feelings out; then as a family discuss how it can be rememdied and then together work it out.

To end this short update, this guy who's name is Greg Bennett, is someone who's pride keeps pulling him deeper into hell and slaps away any hand extended to help. Only Jesus can reach him now, this man has rejected his agents.

(At least from my experience)

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.- Mahatma Ghandi

Songs of the Moment

2009-10-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

For Everyone Like Me- TFK

I've got a lot going on inside
Don't know if I can work things out this time
Need a little space to clear my mind
But I'll be fine

Don't slip, it's not always this cold
I'm tired of acting like I know
Am I searching for the answers
No one knows

And I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

Wait
It might not be too late
To avoid the tension we create
How about I turn and walk away?
No matter what you say

Its not a combination
I've tried to figure you out
I'm looking for the confirmation
So I can turn this around

And I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

Every time I turn around
You're looking for attention
You've taken all the things I've said and
Throw them away
Drank them away
Every time you show up late
You're looking for forgiveness

I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for anyone whoever took a chance,
Who started at the bottom to get to the top,
And no matter what you face in this life,
You gotta know what you're up against,
In order to fight back

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
And lonely

My Wish- Rascall Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
yeah this is my wish o0o0o0o0o0o0
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big

Eye of the Tiger- Survivor

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...

Cruisin' Together- Huey Lewis and Gwenth Paltrow

Baby let's cruise
Away from here
Don't be confused
The way is clear

And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby

Yeah so,
Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby tonight
Belongs to us
Everything's right
Do what you might
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
To every little part of each other
Oh, baby, yeah

So let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me, baby
Oooooohhh yeah
Oooooohhh (ooh, ooh)
Oooh baby let's cruise
Let's float
Let's glide
Ooh let's open love
And go inside

And if you want it, you got it forever
I could just stay here beside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gunna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when
I love it
I love it
I love it

(Oh)
(Cruise with me, baby)
(I love it when we're cruisin' together)

Writing toward Freedom

2009-09-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since any post has been done and a lot has happened over the past few months. I am not really sure what to say as a lot has happened and a part of me is still afraid to share. Still afraid cause it gets proven time and time again that when I open up, people use that vulnerablity to cause harm. It makes me guarded on being open and honest, but I promise you I will do my best.

Since July, I have moved to Tualatin. This move allowed me to be closer to work and meet some very interesting people. At first, it was a place that felt like hom and a sense of peace was around there. The guy that asked me to move in was very friendly and we all started having a sense of community. We talked, laughed, spent time together, and just enjoyed one another's presence. A hint maybe of what it is like with real family, real church. This was giving me hope that a real loving family was possible, a real chance at the loving community I know God wants for us all. Having a chance to see it in action, in combination with what I experienced from some 'old guys' that I really respect I knew to be Papa proving himself to me. (Thanks again) For awhile I forgot what pride and selfishness did to relationships.

Its September now and things have changed. Bickering is hidden in people's hearts and that sense of peace is left. I sense that people are walking on egg shells, trying to set people off. This cause my flee reaction, I isolate myself from the drama and just 'turtle up'. The sense of entitlement is swimming through the air like a shark in the ocean. It takes all my strength just to maintain my composure sometimes. This mixed with the fear of having to move again is more of a recipe for chaos in mine own little world, swirling around some peace that maintains itself inside. How can that be? Peace amongst strife and chaos. Must be the work of Jesus. I really haven't shared this with any of my roommates. Sure, I can lay out plenty of excuses, but in the end that is exactly what they are. Excuses.

Recently, one of my roommates was coming across as if I had hurt them and proven myself to be untrustworthy. I asked this person if I had ever proven myself to be that way, they said no. Now that left me with a feeling of being taken advantage of and betrayed, how did deserve such treatment for trying to do what was right and being helpful? I wonder if this same thought went through the mind of Jesus when he saw Judas coming to meet him at the Garden? So I chat with a confidant of mine and a response comes out that made me laugh.

"Welcome to my team brother; only the finest of people are here! - Jesus"
:D. In my thoughts exactly

Now I wonder, how did he ever handle all the pain that people lay out on each other?

I also got a promotion from were I work. I now am the highest level of technical support for the project that I am working on. A lot more responsibility and a lot more procedural knowledge is needed. Its nice cause my brain stays engaged and it is building my resume. I know this company is not my 'career' path, but it is for the moment the provision being given. This company are my ravens. Many days I leave this place with thoughts and cries simliar to Davids, the king of Israel so long ago.

Why do the wicked prevail and the righteous suffer? Is constant harrassment and persecution the only thing that I will see? Is not walking with the only intention of being with Papa enough? Yet the world and people pull so much in so many directions, trying to blind and confuse me from remember this one thing. He is enough.

In this all the one thing that I am learning, its really hard too, is to trust. Trust and to stop taking things so personal. The burden is carried by Christ and he decides what he shares with me. If he doesn't gift with a burden, then I am just free to hang out and be myself.

I want to end this with a question. Take some time to pray about it before and answer is given.

If you and Jesus were to pray for me over the topic of burdens, what would it be?

Extra credit: If you and Jesus were to pray for you over the topic of burdens, what would it be?

All of this got started when I watched Freedom Writers today. Great movie. Watch it. Write about your life, you have a story to tell and no one should fade as a nameless, faceless number into the white pages and black text of history. If you want share your story with me, the least I can do is offer an ear when no one else will.

Peace be unto you

Faith Healing or Death Certificates?

2009-07-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.oregonlive.com/clackamascounty/index.ssf/2009/07/ava_clearly_showed_grave_illne.html

Read this article first.

There really is a lot to talk about in this, but I don't think that no matter how much God wants us to trust Him, have faith in the process of Jesus in our life, and the move of Sarayu around us; that he ever intended for the death of anyone, let alone children. I am not trying to cast a stone at this guy, I am sure that he believed he was doing God's will for his life and what Papa wanted from him. That doesn't excuse actions that bring destruction. Faith healing is great, it shows the power of the Spirit and the miracles it can do. At the same time there is a place for the wisdom of medicine in our lives. That information is just as much a miracle as the prayer that brings back the dead or heals the man of lung cancer.

I feel remorse and sorrow for the situation they must be in. 1. The crisis of faith they may be going through. Everything they knew about God, how he worked in people's lives, and what they were being taught about the bible, is now in question. On the other side, society is attacking these people as monsters and being prosecuted as criminals. How is their church responding to them? From my limited experience with the teaching that surround faith-healing only, there is a great chance that their own thoughts and the voices of people around them are betraying. Saying that the parents did not have enough faith, that they did not pray enough, that they did not fast enough. Total B.S. If anyone really is a follower of Jesus then how do we move forward in this situation in a spirit of gentleness?

I have also heard some people start to rail on these parents because, "The testimony of other christians is now damaged." When will we get our minds off of our work, how we look, or even what affects us? Would Jesus have been more concerned with how other people's choices affected him or how he could bring about healing in their life while drawing them closer to Papa? Was his identity based in other people's actions and choices or in his relationship with his own Daddy?

Is their anyway that me, us, can extend forgiveness to these people for their actions and ask them for forgiveness of us? Forgive us for the judgement of their hearts and the malice contained there in......

And birth is the greatest miracle of all. Followed closely I imagine by parenthood. :D

This one is intended to start a discussion. I may add more of mine own thoughts here in a bit, but I want everyone to openly discuss this topic and everything around it.

Another link for more articles on this topic: http://blog.oregonlive.com/clackamascounty/2009/06/faithhealing_deaths_previous_s.html

A Quick Update

2009-06-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

I got a side gig writing for an RPG resource publishing company. It is great, finally a chance to write and combine it with some interest from my past.

Done with ten days in a row of overtime. Rest

The Eyes in the Pit

2009-06-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Whenever I smoked the peace pipe, my mind would settle as I focused on the inhaling and exhaling. The smoothness and the the roughness of the smoke in my lungs reminding me I was alive and not dreaming. Many times my nightmare's were premonitions of the future, but so were my dreams. The one that frightened me the most was the one that started out with me looking into a deep, dark, bottomless pit.

I stared so long I got the sensation that I was falling in or that it was rushing up to consume me. Then deep in the pit these eyes of fire would burn black. It was like they are trying to draw me in to consume me or have me draw it out. I knew this creature would destroy the world unless it was contained. In this game, though, I would just be a pawn, not any knight or king.

In the dream the beast gave me an image of its apearance and appetite. It looked human, two arms, two legs, head, hands, it had every piece. It's form would change though, match whoever it was looking at; down to every slight blemish or imperfection. It's image was beautiful yet horrifying, both existing side by side. There was a sign that always gave it away, one eye was red around the dark center and the other was green. Sometimes its teeth would all be sharp like a cat's or a shark's, other times it had fangs like a snake's. It's hands were incorporeal, able to reach inside of people and twist them up. The most frightening feature was it's voice. The voice that sounded like a trusting child, yet leaving the image of a spider whose fangs were wet with poison just before it attacks. All together an unwholesome beast that would surely bring about the destruction of the world.

Towards the end of this dream I saw through the mist the way to defeat it. I couldn't be completley sure, but it was a small group of people surrounding the beast, radiating light. the were speaking words directly to it in a gentle and loving way. What could this mean?

Jet Li: Religion. My thoughts as commentary

2009-06-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

Read this article from an actor that for some reason I have always had this respect for inside me. There was always something different about him. After you read this, I just have some questions and ideas that I would love to throw into the mix. After reading this and some of his other short essays, I would love a chance to converse with him. So many of the ideas I agree with, but the areas of difference I think would be an amazing conversation.

http://www.jetli.com/jet/index.php?l=en&s=spirit&ss=essays&p=4

my commentary is in italics

"Is there a religion that is superior morally and spiritually with respect to all others?

I strongly believe the answer is no. Sure, religions differ from one another in their outward trappings, in the Gods their followers worship, in the customs and rituals which their practitioners observe. But upon closer inspection, the underlying heart and central principle in every religion is the same. Every religion boils down to love, to a respect for all living things, to choosing peace over violence as a means of resolving a conflict. The essence is universal; it is only the means to the end that varies."

- True religion does boil down to what he states here, " boils down to love, to a respect for all living things, to choosing peace over violence as a means of resolving a conflict." At the same time, religion, is a form or structure that is void of life by itself. Not all religions truly preach and display this universal essence. Not even all the people that exist in the religions that preach this message live this message. It gets surrounded, diluted, with life experiences and personal thoughts; instead of leaving it up to the author of it to explain for himself.

"If intrinsically all religions preach the same thing, then why all the different world religions and their numerous offshoots?

The explanation, I believe, lies in the fact that people across the world live under very different circumstances. Depending on the cultural, historical, and geographical background of the individual, some religions are easier to understand and practice than others. An individual may opt to follow a certain religion because it falls in place with the way he or she interacts with society at large. Perhaps the religion helps foster and protect the pre-established living patterns along which the individual is used to following. Or maybe the religion helps the individual confront a longstanding fear or personal weakness."

- Why there are many branches many reasons have breached my ears and many thoughts have swam in my mind. It still kind of boggles my mind about the reasoning for branching. All that I have seen is that one person got the idea in his head that this 'new' or 'rediscovered' idea is what the Scriptures really meant. Now a new branch is born. Some have been needed like Martin Luther to the Catholic Church. Brought the original message of grace back to the forefront. Thanks Papa.

"I like to explain the technical side of the proliferation of such a wide variety of religions through the concept of Bagua, a Chinese form of mathematics. As I've already pointed out, the common denominator of all religions is the concept of love and forgiveness. A tree trunk grows branches; in the same way, the major world religions (such as Buddhism and Christianity) spring from the root source of love. From these major world religions other smaller sects and subdivisions arise, like twigs from a bough. Populations in different regions throughout the world put a differentiating mark on what is otherwise the same religion and make them into unique ones, out of cultural, moral, or sometimes even political reasons. For instance, the Buddhist sects found in India differ from those, say, in China. And from those sub-religions arise another smaller and more specialized set of other sub-religions. It's an infinite process of divisions and offshoots. But if you reverse the process of proliferation and retrace the paths of all these religious sects, you find that they all boil down to one common root - love."

- This is with the understanding that all humans completely understand love. But do we really? How do we truly know something unless we are first shown it? Can something like love, which no one can really define, be understood so easily? We can see acts of love, thoughts of love, words of love, but what is love... really? Like a man named Jesus once said, "Judge a plant by it's fruit," well if the root is love, but not the true love of Papa and his Spirit, is this really love? or some incomplete picture that still has hints and stains of brokenness and pain involved.....

"Why then, one might ask, are there religions that preach evil deeds? Why has religion, in numerous historical instances, been used to promote and justify the acts of terrorism, political propaganda, cult suicides, and so forth? Here, I think it is crucial to draw a distinction between the religion itself and the way with which an individual or group of people may choose to interpret or use such a religion. Sometimes, for political motivations or for a personal agenda, a group of people in power may choose to distort a particular religion to serve their own self-interest. In that case, the essence of the religion - love- is no longer pure and has been warped by a negative outside factor. In the continual proliferation and outgrowth of so many different religions, it is inevitable that distorting factors such as self-interest are introduced and divorce the resulting new "religion" from its original intent."

- 100% agree. With one question, has the love ever been pure? I thought purity was tested by fire....

"Hence, it is important to remember that religion, per se, is a good thing. When one practices a religion, one should be aware of what it is ultimately about and not be misled into blind practice of its specific tenets. I always believe it is important to develop such an awareness. Rote memorization and recitation of a religion's principles and ideas, and perfunctory performance of its rituals mean little if one doesn't live it. Only through a lifestyle of generosity, kindness, and love, and a positive contribution to humankind can one consider oneself a true practitioner of any religion."

- Yet once again, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Thanks The Message. Yet this attitude not just to the ones that treat us well and love us, but ultimately the ones that don't love us, use us, and treat us terribly.

Paper thin Mind of Me

2009-06-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

A quick update:

Currently I am working on two blogs, one is on a comparison of mostly Eastern American Indian religion with Christianity and another about why I haven't been visiting a church building as much.

Also my mind feels very paper thin. Like I have been in an intense fight for so long that the body and mind just give up doing anything. I liken it to zombie mode or becoming life's marionette. I am just leaning on the trust that my puppet master is as good and loving as he says he is and has shown himself to be. Part of me just wants to push the pause button on life and go make a sandwich, pour a nice cold coke, eat a cookie, and just stare out the window at the clouds for a bit. If this were possible though, would I or anyone really come back and hit play?

Writing a book on martial arts is still working around inside me. Recently I have been reading about Jet Li talking about his call into Buddhism and seeing what he says. There is a lot of the words I agree with and some I don't. Either way it is quite enlightening to see how some martial artists work their own religion or philosophy into life. I guess that it just goes to show that no matter how fit a person is or is not, something inside draws deeper and more out there to find out the things beyond this world and ourselves. He also mentions that the person that is the most healthy and fit is the one that has both a spiritual and physical fitness. One with out the other would be out of balance. My question is this, what is the third element? Some talk about everything being in twos, but I also see that with the twos there is a hidden third. What is the third in the equation of religion and physical fitness together? The person involved......

The Phoenix in Ashes

2009-06-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

There I was flying high, dancing on the gusts of my friends the winds. Moving in and out of all my brother's and sister's flocks like a member of the family long lost. Enjoying our times together through the storms and the sun. When the rain got bad we just flew higher to find the sun and our days were always better.

Until the day when the storm grew bigger than we had ever seen. Lightning like no other, winds not like our friends, the clouds faces of demons they were. I saw it from miles away, my vision better than most, a sister and a brother in the way of a spear being thrown from one of those demon faces. I flew faster than any other and intercepted it's intended victims, instead it was me. Plummeting to the ground my little mind wandered. What was a bird's life for?

Remembering the time when, as a fledgling, I learned to fly by falling out of the nest. Many other times I was reminded how to fly when the nest was destroyed by falling branches, hungry cats, and Mommy or Daddy. I remember as my wings grew stronger and stronger the more times I left the nest. Until one day I was flying by myself and caught a wind current that took me far away.

I remember meeting the Wise One. He is a flying one's legend. He taught me about the family of birds and how we all would look out for one another in time. That the Wise One would teach us all how to fly himself. He taught me not just how to avoid falling, but how to soar higher. Even when it looked like the ground was going to swallow me, the Wise One taught me how to feel the winds and to help them so they would help me. Friends working together.

Next I remember return to my brother and sister birds, how at first they thought I was crazy. As they watched me fly, they started to believe; some even left to go find the Wise One themselves. Some came back, some didn't. The Wise One told me we would all catch up soon, that the ones that never returned had great stories to tell.

Now, even with the Wise One's teachings, this spear of light from the demon faces made it all nothing. I was falling to be swallowed by the earth and not one of my brothers or sisters are coming to help. They are to scared of the demon faces. If they learned how to really fly....

What's this? My wings look like red flowers and pain fills them. This pain is new and the red flower is spreading. I smell funny, I smell like the dark clouds with the painful wind that some times the tall ones create. Wait!!! They made the red flower for those clouds now its me!!!! Help!!!!!

The earth didn't swallow me, the pain is gone, but now all....... Red........ Flower... .....

--- Silence ---

Wait, something new. I am new....... I hear the Wise One speaking, 'Rise My Phoenix'

What was the Phoenix thinking while it was ashes, waiting to be reborn?

Future and the thoughts that Surround

2009-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

People have been asking me, what do I want out of life, what do I see myself doing in the future, what is that you want to do?

Thinking about that I have had a few things in mind. Many things go through my mind as I know with Jesus at my side, anything is possible. He makes the way and gives the desires anyway. :D Before I go off on a rant about the future and how sometimes the downfall of our future is the very thoughts we make towards it. I will spare all the readers that till later, I will start with what my thoughts truly are about what I would like in my future.

Writing: A few people mention that I seem to have a gift for writing and I do enjoy it. Currently I am looking for little ways to keep that going and see it I can make some money at it. This blog for example, also trying to write a book or two, and checking craigslist for any possibility that may appear.

Technology: A couple opportunities have opened up with a co-worker of mine. On one hand we are working together on making apps for the iPhone. The second is to get certified as an Apple Technician and start our own Apple repair business. Both would be nice and quite profitable.

Utimately: My main dreams about the future would be to be a dad and a husband. This one thing is what seems like is the calling from Papa. This, also in my opinion, is the highest calling in Jesus follower can have. To be married and have children. That takes a relationship of deep trust between a person and Jesus to be His follower and helped to spread that with the ones closeset to you. God help me!

Otherwise: School sometimes makes its way into my thoughts. Psychology and Social Services is were my tendencies go. Maybe counselling. Who knows, but for the most part I try to just take it a day at a time and be okay with what God brings along.

Live in Peace and Rest

My Power Animal

2009-05-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with someone at one point a few months ago. They asked me what my power animal was. My response, A Lamb. here is why

Power Animal: Lamb

Wisdom of the Lamb:

* Utter Dependent on its shepherd

* Can recognize its shepherd voice

* Gentle and easy prey for wolves

* Content to be in the field under its shepherd's watch

* Happy in it's shepherd's arms

The lamb is a creature that is happy and content with its life. Living it's days in peace and and trust, leaning completely on the shepherd of its pasture. The lamb as a power animal would help a person learn to just see life for the gift that it is, live one day at a time, and create a longing to always be with its shepherd. Being held and tended is a lamb's dream and beckons to its shepherd voice. Many of life's trials and storms get weathered by the lamb; either they just keep on doing what they do or run to the shepherd for his protection. The shepherd's love for his lamb is unbalanced and overwhelming. The lamb did nothing to earn this, it is just simply receiving the affection the shepherd wants to give.

Rants and Thoughts for the Day

2009-05-11T12:58:00.001-07:00

Humming fans,

like the wind can be a gentle sound

or that of inevitable doom for a hard drive

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Through many computer troubles and sleepless nights, I am back and writing again. There are a few ideas of stories that I am currently working on. In the midst of this I realized how much that I like stories. They teach through parables, spark the imagination, and exercise the brain in reading them. Hmmm, so maybe reading through all those epic stories and writing when I was a kid will some how be a help?

Also what's this thing with mobs and vampires now? It is some huge craze that seems to have taken the whole world by storm. Drawing normal people to a life of darkness by vicarious living....

Just some stuff I have written over the past few months

2009-02-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

1. Here I am in tension once again
Between loneliness and companionship
Between good service and another's pawn
Pain and healing
Hiding and Freedom

Ever growing, ever changing
Never the same
Only wanting rest

and a touch of love

2. Sorrow inside stirred by the chocolate oar
not hiding itself but dancing with loneliness
Waltzing to the sound of a heart beating alone in silence
step, slide, step, slide, turn and change partners
Is all anyone seems to notice

Forgetting the pain in their own heart
and the one on stage crying
for them

3. Moon lit sky
the clouds part, showing a clear sky

.................................................

The morning after; clear sky once again, no distractions from the sun. Beauty of the morning, pounding mellow beats in the ear. Beauty only made by one, unique in its own.

4. Sun bathed mountains
mixed with the mists of morning
show a light in your eyes
residing there since the ancient of days
wrought you from the clay of life

Thorns of pain
vines of worry
try to choke out your soul
Forgetting the sword of love
as it cuts through all

Fear hides and hurt flees
when you sound your voice of care
Affection invade the mind
compassion floods the soul
in your presence

Oceans and deserts span the gap
between you and I
still your presence never leaves
always by my side

5. Don't know what to say, don't know what to speak, just want to be close, just want to let you know

Many tears come and pain blows through, in each other's arms we feel a peace, that not even new lovers know

Sitting here thinking of you, the smile streaming across my face, hearts skipping a beat

6. Buzzards circle around death
faeries dance in the flowers
your voice makes my heart skip
the mind races in choice

the smell of love and confusion
mingle together in the
symphony of life

Winds play as children
sunlight flies into the soul
bringing a light that is unearthly

and a home to many hearts

7. Siren's Presence

Having been this close to you and feeling the joy of your presence, it never leaves me alone in the dark night or cold in winter's storm. The warmth of your breath always on my lips as the image of your face is burned into my mind. Our hearts beating together in a dance of life, Your eyes drawing me into your soul, my siren, I faint for you. Not knowing if we will ever be, leaves me like a man hung from a tree. Just come close and never leave, my siren

The Wind Outside

2009-01-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I swear God has the weather outside just as a reflection of what is going on inside. That may be a bit pretentious, but it really seems like He actually pays that much attention sometimes.

There are those times in life when the tension of the hard part of the work really strain a person. There are many things worth the effort I am told, but it really seems at times all that is being done is just a blowing of solid blue rock.

People, are amazing, and amazingly frustrating. What is even more so is how a person like me can for from loving people in general to not wanting to be around any at all.

How, from an emotional stand point, you can be on top of the world; then crash diving into a pool of lava. How if a person didn't have a solid anchor to hold onto, they would be tossed around by the wind and the waves.

Help me my Anchor, calm the storm inside;
if nothing else, just hold my hand
as the waves cover my face.

Once You have a hold, You don't let go;
never let me go, never let me go

Relationships are hard work, matters are the heart blind the ones that see and fumble the graceful. Matters of the heart make the wise foolish and the intelligent ignorant.

Have patience with this poor man as he stumbles along in a dark tunnel with just barely enough light to make how just how foolish and ignorant he is, but then again I have a certain Friend that seems quite fond of people like this man. Thanks Papa

Memior of Hawaii: Installment 1

2008-10-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: To those who are in this story and know what is being said, at times the story may be a bit raw. I opened, to a point, what was inside and poured out. All the events in this story are real, the thoughts, action, and words area as close to what actually happened as my memory will allow; however the names have been changed, well just because I want to make up new names. Now I want to fore warn the readers, I am writing this based around events, people, and lessons. So please track with me on this as it is more about transformation than chronology.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My trip to Hawai'i was a 'time of my life,' like someone spoke over me. Many things happened in the short four months I was there. For those looking for a steamy or even dirty romance story, an action packed life or death adventure, or even a heart wrenching low-budget human drama, this is not your story. This is just simply one man sometimes working in conjunction with his Creator and Best Friend on identity issues. STOP- Am I really going to open myself to an unknown size and grouping audience in this way? Well, I will keep on writing if you keep on reading. I still might continue writing even if you stop reading, but hey this is a blog on the internet so who really reads it anyway? It does seem easier though to write to an anonymous people, than it is to talk with a brother or sister face to face. The family member knows you, the audience does not. Selah...

My first day on the island was such a foreshadow of my whole trip. Upon landing in Hilo, the smells and feel of the place immediately drew me in. Many times people told me it would be hot and extremely humid, borderline mental institution in its unbearableness. Far from the case. If anyone gets the chance to go the Big Island, GO! All went fairly well de-boarding with my two travel companions and me. That is until our ride from our soon to be new friend Amy arrived. Four people, 13 pieces of luggage in various shapes and sizes, and all our egos had to fit in a two door commuter car, somewhere on top of the music equipment Amy kept in her car. A logistical nightmare even an Army Supply Sergeant would not want to touch. Needless to say, I ended up in the back crammed and boxed in (no movement at all) while Henry drove the car clown style. This half-hour ride of humor while in pain was just the beginning.

Arriving at our living quarters for the next couple of months, Henry and I started to settle in with our friend and new roommate Taylor. This place we would soon learn was a jungle of Purifying Fire and we were sleeping in the coals of confrontation. Things were okay at the beginning, but this growing agitation was building inside of me. There was no understanding of where this was coming from and this was a key ingredient in the storms to come.

We got along well playing games, talking a lot, and even becoming close friends. Playing this tile game from Germany by candle light is left as a fond memory. Slowly just the voice of Henry kept irritating an already agitated person. I think the first explosion came after two weeks. Through it the entire one thing I always told Henry, "That no matter what, we have to not stop talking to each other. Even if we hate each other at that moment." Surprisingly to me this became the key for this section of the journey.

Communication. So important yet so not used. I am not sure that this is intended by most people, the lack of use. It seems more likely that for the most part that it is a mix of the example we are provided from our parents, the experiences we have learned from, and our relationship with Jesus that guide our choices in communicating. Communication is one of those things that is vitally important in any interaction with other living creations and is rooted in trust. Too many times a lack of communication is due either to mistrust in another person or mistrust in the person reading this story. Which brings us to an interesting relationship, we must communicate in order to relationship which in turn builds trust in one another; then we are more open with our communication with those we trust. At some point one person takes the step of faith to open themselves in this way and the chance of being hurt in exchange for the chance of being friends. That is unless I am the only person that gets this interaction.

So Henry and I through our two months would sometimes be at each other's throat, with me usually being more aggressive; then turn around and be like a modern day Odd Couple. Unlike them though, we had a third Taylor. Now, I have lived by myself, had multiple roommates, but I have not had to share a room with anyone since mid elementary school. This would prove to be one of the most if not the biggest test of mine on this trip. Having no personal space whatsoever, no secrets, no place to hide and run away, and no place to think without someone else face to face with you. Is this what it is like with Jesus?

Henry, Taylor, and I, the three most unlikely people to share a room with, yet here we were together. It was almost like someone that really cared for us had put us together because He knew that our interaction would be the pruning shears we needed. Before long we were all feeling the pinch of lack of space. Myself, I had been feeling the irritation and I was having trouble restraining my emotions. When I spoke up it was usually sharper than I wanted, but all my years of self-control were waning. My heart was making its transition from the security vault inside to my sleeve. It wasn't long before going to sleep we would share how the others had hurt us and made us feel. About that time Taylor became an invisible roommate to us.

For about three weeks Henry and I saw Taylor about three or four times. Two of those were times where we could actually talk. Now just before this all started happening the three of us came to an agreement, no matter how it looks or what happened we would not give up on each other. With Taylor M.I.A. most of the time, a feeling of betrayal was setting in to Henry and I. I mean what an effin hypocrite, not mention with Taylor's choice my emotional reaction was not good for our brotherhood. He got not into the category of, "When the going gets tough, he gets going. Just like everyone who has ever abandoned me." Not very healthy for our friendship but there it was.

It all culminated in one incident. My mom and I have been slowly rebuilding trust in our relationship. She called one day to give me her new phone number. Taylor neglected to tell me of this for almost two weeks. This delay was in addition to never receiving any message when people would try to get a hold of me. This was a knife to the kidneys from the back. All the trust that had been built between us now gone.

Trust for me, is hard to re-earn. Once betayed I struggle with ever trusting in the same way again. That is an area Jesus is still working in me. I am not sure how well you, as the reader, can relate, but trust is a difficult issue for me. It scares me to trust and be trusted. It looks like trust and faith are so interconnected that they are two sides of the same coin.

Faith. Taught by some that is a power used to bring about an affect. Recently for myself when reading about it through Scripture replacing the word faith with the word trust. Trust is at the core of just about every decision why would faith be any different. To have faith could be said that believing in something so much that it comes to pass. How else would we believe a thing like this unless somehow it had been proving to be unfailing? So with people and Jesus alike, when they say, "Let me show you that I am trustworthy. I do this because I love you very much." Trust, from what I observe, is built with time together and a consistency in our character. Faith and trust could be looked as two lovers sleeping in bed together, content. That almost sounds like a plot synopsis for a movie.

So, I was pretty pissed at Taylor for a few days after I found out about him not giving me the message from my mom. The next time I saw him face to face, I asked him about it. When it got confirmed the word "asshole" came out of my mouth and it was clearly shot at him. Henry was the witness. The whole time I kept talking with Papa about the situation and wanting to forgive, but kept being pissed. It hurt. I had taken the chance to share with a friend, brother, and once again got stabbed in a sore spot. Unlike all the other times through, I just wanted it gone rather than wallowing in the pain. Family means a lot to me, they can be the ones to hurt the most. About two weeks later, maybe less the time lines are a little blurry in spots, I finally had a chance to pull him aside and talk. It just came out that what happened hurt and I was tired of being pissed off. Forgiveness had won the day. Trust was lost though, but maybe thanks to forgiveness one day it will be back.

A little about the place we stayed now. Cosmetically it was an office in the middle of what was a rundown flower farm. No running water, no electricity, next to no contact to the outside world when we were on the Stress Farm. I call it this because since about day one of the trip there was a low, but rising level of stress in the atmosphere. This was mainly due to a lack of communication in letting the owners, Caiaphas and Martha, know of Henry's and mine arrival. They were made aware of it before we actually arrived, but maybe only about 24 hours though. For some reason we never completely recovered from this action. It was like that one miscommunication would define our relationship Henry, Taylor, and I would have with Martha and Caiaphas.

Things went fairly smooth the first the first couple weeks. We set up a deal of work trade for housing. 12 hours a week was all they asked. We were up to date until the Rebirth festival. After we got back something hit us. We all were exhausted and done working. This lasted for about one week. The very next week after that Henry and I followed Taylor around when he left the Farm. Many reasons or excuses were there, but nonetheless three people were now 24 hours behind on work. Tension rose yet again. This is where Martha and Caiaphas become a bit of regulars around the Farm.

Martha and Caiaphas were definitely people that were growing in their relationship with the man named Jesus. Being a christian and moving in an ever growing relationship with Jesus does not mean, always, that in a very short time span a close bonding is made between people. Relationship is a four letter word for sure! Work. Interacting with these two was one of the most painful reminders I have ever had. About the time Taylor decided to be separated from Henry and myself, Caiaphas and Martha went from being indifferent nice to outright demanding. Now, I can understand their feelings on the matter.

They felt taken advantage of, which in the same situation I might deal with the same emotions. It looked as if we were either not staying up to date or was not up to the quality of work they expected. This was their point of view. In my mind was just a simple thought, "I want to do the best I can with what I got." I in no way want to place blame anywhere; I have learned in my limited experience that a situation like this has resulted as of a breakdown somewhere on both sides. Best thing at this point, initiate to the best of my ability reconciliation. In relationships it will not always be smooth and clear. Sometimes it’s rocky, becomes solid rock, and maybe even gets chilled over. In no way do I regret what happened, Papa uses it to shape all parties involved. Even if it means learning that this ministry of reconciliation means a little grueling work.

Like an arrow from the past, pain and issues with my mom can in; using this situation to fester in an old wound. I'm not sure that my response of avoidance was the best decision, but I chose that rather than blowing up emotionally on Martha. Eventually we talked, still to this day; at least on my side things are strained. I do apologize for the lack of details on this subject; perhaps soon I can expand more on this.

During our time at the Stress Farm a guy that attended the church Henry and I visited had us come work for him. Frank VonBuren, 20 plus year veteran of the Iron Workers Union of California. Frank owned his own metal shop and a couple houses on the Big Island. A great thing that came from knowing him and his wife, Kitty, is that they ended up being kind of like another set of parents for Henry and I. Frank shared many stories of him being a licensed falconer and long time surfer. Now because we worked eight hours during the day, Caiaphas and Martha were not pleased. They had wanted us available when they wanted their schedule permitted. Now came a struggle, were the ones that I actually felt care and affection coming from the ones that I stayed with, or abandon Frank for the whims of someone else? Frank was actually quite a humble man. Whenever we would make a mistake at work, he would correct us in a way that just on the surface might seem quite harsh. Thanks to Papa though, showed me the frustration in Frank from other situations mixed with an actual care of a father that wants to teach some young guys how to live life. Thanks Frank!

Learning something from Frank actually threw me for a loop. More than just working with metal and how to share stories about falconry, this humility of his was partially passed down. Due to the use of this word now-a-days in churches I start to wonder if it is a brand name for a clothing line. In the midst of this I never would have thought that so much fun could be mixed with so much work and growth pains.

This church Frank attended was run by a guy that was a mix between Einstein in the movie I.Q. and Darth Vader. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but bear with me as I explain. This guy was super nice and super smart. He had a definite growing love for people and how he had come to know God. He is also very open at letting 'his people' express themselves however they wanted. Also the first time I met him and he spoke to me I smelled a bible school mixed with a little Jesus. So right from the start I am on guard. The next personality trait that made me wary was the fact he tried to talk to me (not with me) as if we were close family. Strike two. Last, but definitely not least, was the fact he was a 'church leader' that seemed to try and force me to one of his subordinates. Now wariness and Michael's defenses were fully active. (It looked like that certain personalities or mind sets don't get along with me well. In some ways this man was similar to Martha and Caiaphas.) All of this was in a rather sharp contrast to some old former rugby players I know in Portland, Oregon. Good or bad, you want to help me, first show me you care unconditionally and that I can trust you with my wounds; I am an open book then. Come at it with religious conviction, contracts, and lists, and you get Leavenworth Prison. Honestly not the place I would prefer to start a friendship.

Through all of our interactions together, prayer night at the Schafle's, the Grassroots Church, when Caiaphas and Martha brought him into the middle of what was going on there, when he tried to talk with me like a father or older brother, the Rebirth stuff, etc; I was trying to keep an open mind and listen to what Jesus was already talking to me about in what this man, Albert, was speaking. Not a 100% victory with getting my attitude out of the way all the time though. Usually what ended up going through my head was something along the lines of, "Who the fuck does this guy think he is anyway? What is he thinking he has the right to do or say anything to me at all? I mean, really who is he anyway?" Papa is using this to bring up some conversation pieces between Him and I. One thing is about how there is an inherent distrust within for anyone who tries to force their leadership on me. Or the fact that all people in leadership are not out to get me and take advantage of the position at my suffering...

Albert though, like everyone I come around, was an instrument to teach me. Even though issues still remain between him and I; I know that there is still a care and love inside of me for him. My life is better by what God did in me through him.

There is really so much more that I could share about, which I may do later. I will wrap up with two more people that had a huge influence on me. Amy (the driver) and a man named Shane Claiborne.

Amy, quite an amazing, unique, and beautiful gift brought into this world. Normally with me, despite being quite social it talks some people a bit of time to understand the complex world of Peace in the Battle. As a gift for some unknown reason to me, this was not completely the case with Amy. A side note, this Amy was known as M, she preferred it that way. So M has quite a story to tell through her life. One thing I would use to describe here is a lover. A lover of Papa, a lover of Jesus, a lover of His Spirit, a lover of people, and a lover everything about Him. I don't come across that many people that right out from the gate understand and have the passion I feel inside. It is very refreshing and encouraging to know in any situation that you are not alone and separated. There was also this way that we would talk that showed a mutual understanding.

Others have mentioned and still do that we connected real fast. Honestly I didn't really notice, I was just trying to be myself and that she was continuing to be overly generous. Now when I say generous, I mean it was so much that I was envious. In many situations that I watched her in, mainly with people, the generosity of love and compassion humbled me. There was many times that if I was in her shoes it would have been different, probably for the worst. It was thanks to M that I started learning Chinese. Now I am sure that she will read this, so thanks for being the beautiful person you are now! Don't stop doing what you do and being what you be. You are not alone and I have the utmost respect for you. Thanks!

Now Shane Claiborne and the reason I came back to Portland, Oregon. At Elevate, a gathering of family members on Saturday nights in Hilo, they were taking part in this national preaching about praying and oneness. For one of the messages the people at Elevate chose to show a message Shane gave at a conference in Hawai'i. The message details fail me as the message the Spirit whispered to my heart quickly invaded. Amidst the message, my emotions were being stirred over the areas of people coming together as a loving family, taking care of the people that can't care for themselves, and Portland, Oregon.

So the message went a little like this, 'Michael, the people in Portland, Corvallis, Eugene, and the Willamette Valley are your family. I put you around Paul, Ron, Todd, Kim, all the Youngs, Tyson, Skyeler, Josiah, your Dad, you Mom, your Sister, your Niece, Matt, Melanie, Nick, Gayle, Leeland, Jov, and everyone else that you know are there for a reason. I put you all together so that you would help each other and love each other. Go spend time with the poor in Portland. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, no matter how big you opponent is I AM with you. I have never left you have I? So go back to Portland and just be who I made you to be and spend time with the people I put you around.'

Technology the answer for humanity?

2008-10-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Recently I started a new job in the Portland area. This was a step in the path that is getting me back into this area for the time that I will be here, but this has not been without its tests along the way. During my first week of training a couple of things happened that really caught my attention and was the cause of a thought process. First, I was listening to my co-workers talk about the graphics on blu-ray televisions and computer monitors and how realistic it looked. Second, I heard one specific co-worker, (let's call him Stephen for anonymities sake), mention how he believes that technology is the answer to save humanity. Quite a couple of things to catch attention huh?

Let's tackle the graphics issue first. I do agree it is kind of cool to see technology coming to the point were what we see looks so real that it almost could be real. How we recognize that in life, nature, and creation there is spectacular beauty and amazing sites. We want to recreate this, but the thought that was cast into my head was this, 'Why not just take a step outside and see it for yourself?' It seems like that we may have taken the real for granted for so long, in our hearts we have almost forgotten about it. There is this chase to find something 'almost' real or so real like that the wonder of the real is lost.

I think I may have just went from a discussion on graphics to something else?

So is this true just for graphics? Probably not if I just look at my life. So many times I end up chasing that which I cannot have or spend time imaging and day dreaming about things and people that are nothing close to the way it simply is. It might be kind of the same thing with God. He is the real, His kingdom is the real, His Son is the real, and yet we are trying to find ways to recreate something that was never made. In this recreation our bench mark is how close can we get it to the real; with graphics and the world and nature this is much easier. Everyone can interact with those in a highly sensual way. How can we use this reasoning on something we don't understand though? Just doesn't make sense to me.

Second, this guy saying technology is the answer to save humanity. Quite a statement. I don't quite see how he could say such a thing. Since when has anything man has created ever saved our souls from anything? It is like when man creates something all it does is boast about how good we are and that we can do anything. Wasn't there a story about the languages of the world being broken up to keep that from happening again? For the most part, when man creates something to save ourselves, that very creation becomes the idol of our destruction. Oaee! Jesus help us.

So Michael what did you learn in Hawaii? (plus some more)

2008-09-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

(question from Papa)

Communication is very important. I don't like people getting close and that relationships, community, and family are tough work. Each is worth every second though. Community without Christ is a recipe for contention, drama, and fight or flight responses. Walking is good, not just for physical health, it gives time to talk with You and be at peace inside. Your love is kind always. Trust in You, Period. Desert seasons are tough, but the change is great. Ohana....... Aloha Spirit. The people in the Oregon area you put me around are part of my 'community'. Broken, youth, Your Bride changed to be Your bride is Your heart. Just because its scripture doesn't mean its You! Be content where ever; You are there!
***************************************************************************************
Fight of Da Loneliness
No more, the emptiness

Filled with light and acceptance

Still more, nightmares

Hopes and dreams abound

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Living in love, cups running over

hopelessness pushes, walls move

Dancing with Mercy, the chair is prepared

death waits, waiting, waiting

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Gems flow forth, rubies and diamonds

wounds driven deep, ever thirsty

wrath poured out down to the last

innocence prevails, reigning

candles burning brightly with the greyness of mystery. a mystery only revealed by One true and bright.

Musings from the Big Island

2008-06-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

This thing about community, so many people talk about it, yet so few understand this thing. It is like the new catch phrase or buzzword. In a way, where people either want to be taken care of by others or they are trying to find something different from a system that is broken. But is running to or starting another system the answer? Personally, I feel more of a draw within my spirit for family. A more intimate relationship; a thing that I kind of see is that community can still happen without truly connecting with people. It is only a shadow of family, but it does allow for this relationship of openness to have an opportunity of appearing. Some 'Christians' feel this same desire as others, but I wonder if the draw isn't something deeper?
What is it about community that attracts people?... corruption relation to community?... Know thyself

This stuff of character, many attach a list, or better said, a qualification of what is good and bad and then if people aren't more good than bad, there is less value in/about them. Character is important to Papa for sure, but how valuable a person is or the love by which a person is loved has no interrelation with their character. Getting, or having, this piece in a paradigm helps to encourage a performance based mentality, or worse yet, the appearance of good character with no heart change. For a person who has a heart to honestly seek after Jesus and to have a deeper relationship, anything along these lines brings up feelings of guilt and shame, which from my limited understand, is not in His tool belt of transformation.

Some people talk about having no shame in putting a banner or such saying what church or ministry it is working with, even if it is just a group of friends getting together because God put it on their hearts. How they believe it is compromise to do anything other and it shouldn't be done. Balderdash I say!

Big thing inside recently, how we believe we can speak into each other's lives without spending time building relationship with each other.

Sitting, musing on music, the place it has in my life and maybe others. One of the first things that comes to mind is the that how music is language that breaks through language barriers. so much is done in the spiritual realm and emotionally within people and in the atmosphere. People get stories and pictures from music, music is also something that everybody in the world relates. Music has a special place with God too, some much 'spiritual' worship and healing seems to come from within, or is carried by the music. Music seems to be a carrier that blows through defenses, reaches inside, and plants seeds.

The search for purpose is in every one's heart; people long to be valued and important. The desire for recognition, affection, can companionship can be a bigger motivation for any sore of action than even ravenous hunger or insatiable thirst. There must be a deeper root, something ingrained within our DNA or even in our spirit. What might this be? Jesus? Papa? The Breath of life that proceeds from the One true Creator of this universe we live in? Personally, I am quite fond of these three.

The moral to the story is to risk openness and honesty. To risk the hurt and the wounding that might be, but also the risk that might bring depth mutual love and respect for one another. That maybe by taking this risk, we unwittingly open our hearts to a Papa that has been desiring this all along. I miss my dad, my family, and friends. That maybe some how through this process that we learn to support the people we love, not what they do, and in turn are supported for us and not what we do. Through this maybe a person can have a chance to touch on real family, not just community.

Times when people hit it on the head, we can be unable or unwilling to share at that moment due to insecurities.

The Hawaiian Adventure: Rebirth Style

2008-06-05T15:02:00.001-07:00

Man, man moons ago.. (more like one actually) this humble yet ecsentric, young, and slightly naive traveller boarded a plane in the Port Land of Oregon. This plane's destination was for a very far away and mysterious island filled with strange sightings and even stranger nature life. For some reson this time was a risk of faith, like jumping off a cliff to learn to fly on the Wind. The island had a name, it was, Hawai'i. The flight over was a mix of battle, boredom, and music. The battle was intense on the field of om my mind; facing off were the heavenly voice of Yahweh Nissi and the demoralizing crew of satan. The battle's main focus was over if going to this mysterious ilsland was of Divine origin or something more carnal. Some of the lesser fights took place on the hills of self-worth, provision, the valley of fellowship, and in the jungle of peace. The only real rest from the battle was when August Rush was showing as a moving picture show. No sleep came during the 6 or 7 hour flight over the deep blue ocean to my land of far, far away.
Stepping off the plane in Hilo brought forth a shift within my spirit. Like skydiving, all the rushing wind and chaos of the freefall, all changes the moment the parachute opens; then silence, stillness, and peace. The smell of the air mixed with a more humid climate brought forth a refreshment from the stench of recycled air and internal warfare. The three travelling companions, Nick a.k.a. Fozzy the Bear, Jenny of the Saturday Night Fever, and this wandering writer made there way to collect their treasure from Baggage Claim. The scent of fresh ocean air filled our lungs, passing through the hallways of the airport that seemed to be made from the palm trees that grow abundantly on the island, we found Baggage Claim. Our timing seemed way to perfect as the sounds of the horse race echoed in our ears as the stallions and mares of travellers hurried to grab the luggage as quick as possible. On the first pass, the luggage that came with the three travellers made it into their hands on the first pass or so it seemed. We came up one bag short. A short time later with a piece of paper in hand, armed with the knowledge of a return trip to claim the last bag from a later flight, the travellers waited for their ride, relaxing on the cool cemet of Baggage Claim. Then all of a sudden a not so familiar face appeared.
Jen or Anthem, which was a name to come later, found us and informed us that she was our taxi to Pahoa. Pahoa is the village-town around which this story takes place. The post office is bigger than the police station, the one bar is close to the biggest restaurant in this village, it also has a public pool, and a small handful of shops. The Puna region of the Big Island, of which Pahoa is in, is known for it's hippie/New Age/trouble-making/ travelling/crazies culture. The majority of this region is farms, jungle, and pakalolo (marijuiana). Many bright-colored centipedies, dull colored rats, brown mongoose, and LOADS of couquie frogs dot the landscape. This area, from what has been shared, tends to be the most 'affordable' place to live in all of the islands.
The trip to Pahoa was a very intimate and stuffy affair. In between the three of us we each had two carry on bags and nine minus one check bags. This normally would not have been an issue, but our 'taxi' was to be a dark sky blue 1997, 98, 99ish Dodge Neon, Coupe edition. To help us learn to pack better our driver also was a musician, complete with traveling equipment. We all definately felt a bit closer to each other after the 25 or so mile drive. We thank Jen very much for her graciousness and hospitality.
Jen. This woman, orginally a Portlandier, has been in Hawaii around the three year mark. In some ways she reminded this writer of his Aunt Toni, while still being wholly and utterly unique in her own special way. As the 'worship' leader for Grassroots Church in Pahoa, Papa was using her gifting in a way that is giving her much practice time before the big show and curtain call soon to come. Quite open to the movings of the Spirit, she fits quite well with other 'radicals' of the Jesus loving bend. Her passion and zeal for a man sometimes called the Prince of Peace is quite apparent to anyone with a set of eyes and sometimes just one that functions. Unbeknownst to this writer at the time, Jen would play as a piece of the central character of this story; which happens to be a group of people rather than just one, all curiously enough hailing from Stumptown.
Our first destination would be the flower farm were Fozzy and the writer would be staying. As the car pulled up to the building itself, all of legs and bodies screamed in joy as we were released from our closeness and bumpy drive down one of the many unpaved roads in Pahoa. The man D.J., who was yet another piece of the central character, and this writer's main connection to the Big Island, broke out in some hysterical laughter as we all poured out of the car, like some Jell-O that had not quite settled yet. Unpacking our taxi, the two men were approaching the place were a brotherhood or warzone was to be established. It was, at least for this writer, a place in his mind that would become The Shack. This building was roughly the size of a small studio with no stove or bathroom and three single guys would be living there together. The group all chatted for a bit before parting ways and ending their first day in Hawaii.
Over the next couple of weeks much happened. It was a mix of preparing for Rebirth, the regional Burning Man, battling the spiritual attacks against us, and trying to not let that spill over to eachother. Getting used to the local culture could easily take years to learn, but despite that we moved on. Part of what Papa ended up bringing this group together for was to have his will done at this Rebirth event. The Grassroots Church had planned a theme camp called the City of Refuge. At this place, a building was planned that would come to be know as The Shack, were some healing was its focus. It all started with a holistic drink and some foot washing outside, before they were escorted inside our 20 by 20 shack were the art therapy would take place. After that the people were led outside for a massage, then shown the way to the back of the building were prayer and the gifting of rocks with words written on them; written in either greek, hebrew, or sanskrit. How this actually worked out was amazing!
The event itself turned out to be just mainly a weekend party for a bunch of the locals with some cool fire dancing and a highly religious cermony that ended with the burning of a wooden effigy of a phoenix. What a place for Sarayu to move! The city of refuge really became that, many people ended up just sleeping at the camp, eating with the ambassadors there, and leaving feelingthe peace and attention of a loving God that is personal and real. A few people were amazed at how these people seemed to know what was in their hearts, others just surrendered to the prayer of the faithful lovers. A couple of high schoolers came out to spend time with the group, out of their normal groups, and whether they were high or not. Many relationships were established. For this writer, three have become very influential and important.
One was with the guy that was the 'owner' of the property were the event was held. This man really has a father's heart and searches for the one The next was this brilliant man that lives in a very steep and beautiful valley on the Big Island. The scientific information and the way in which he searched for things in the spirit shows that the kingdom is very close to him. The third, was by far the one, that intrigues this writer the most. This man, who was know as Dirty Jesus, ended up being a priest of the Burning Man. A friendship was established and the Holy Spirit is still bringing to mind things about priests and how the ones that are chosen by Papa help to bring real freedom, not just and illusion of it. Many gifts were given and received, but this writer believes that Papa probably did more work inside of the ones He gifted with being to work with Him in this adventure, than we saw happen in others. There are many, many, many more stories to be shared from this event, but perhaps that will come at a later day over some coffee.

Bless you all with love and patience from the Almighty Papa and the Spirit of Healing.
(story above still under construction)

Peace in the Battle

And Here Be A View of What Happened at Rebirth from a Fellow family member in the Field.
"

Rebirth Debrief

Praise the Lord for what He did at Rebirth (Puna regional Burning Man event)! Thank you to the many of you who have been praying, God did an awesome work that has humbled us and drawn us closer together. Wow! The following is a debriefing of what we saw happen.

Some of you are familiar with the big Burning Man, the week-long festival in Nevada. Rebirth was only four days, and actually it was more of a weekend party...with drugs, sex, fire dancing, and a number of innovative and highly impractical costumes. Definitely a new experience for many of us. The event culminated in the burning of a giant wooden phoenix as a symbol of transformation.

I'm continually amazed at Jesus, how good he is, how faithful his word is. Jn 15:7: “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” (ESV) He was the one empowering us, through our prayer and through his Spirit. We were praying for transformation and God's kingdom brought to earth, but I think we were all a little surprised when and how it actually happened.

Here's what it looked like day by day, before and during the event:

Monday-Wednesday, May 12-14: construction/prep days

-with the help of different people in Grassroots, we cleared land at the Shire (farm hosting the event) and constructed what would soon be known as “The Shack”, using recycled building materials and a little wood and bamboo. While we had our own tents, this was to be the ministry center of our theme camp.

Thursday, May 15: Day 1

-set up camp day: we decked out the Shack (formally, “City of Refuge”) with tapestries and fabric, and divided it into four separate rooms/stations:

1)footwashing/free noni drink

2)art therapy

3)massage

4)prayer/prophecy

-this was a time of setting up camp, gathering together, of prayer, worship, and getting focused. We were also able to go around and hang out with other people at the event.

Friday, May 16: Day 2

-the real life of Rebirth takes place after dark, so Friday was a time to rest, pray, hang out with people, or (for some of us) leave during the day for work and come back. After dinner we were maybe a little discouraged that not that many people had come by our camp, but we decided to start running through the stations in faith that God was going to bring people. A couple people from our camp went through as a practice run, and immediately people started coming—for the next five hours, until past 1 am!

-I (Jen) was in the prayer station of the City of Refuge, so from my vantage point I saw person after person come in that the Spirit had softened for that very purpose. The prayer room was where ministry primarily took place, the first three stations were for God to soften them and prepare them to come in and receive prayer. And He did that! Person after person came through and God would bring Scriptures to mind or tell us stuff like, “he has a river of pain in his life that I will change into a river of healing”, or “he has a daughter, and she's going to be an important resource as his wife is divorcing him,” ...and peoples' guards were totally down to receive! I have never personally experienced the Spirit flowing like that in such a compact amount of time, where unbelievers/backslidden believers are coming for ministry in a line, in a post-Christian culture, and God is meeting them where they are at, over and over.

“But if all prophesy, and an unbeliever or outsider enters, he is convicted by all,

he is called to account by all, the secrets of his heart are disclosed, and so, falling

on his face, he will worship God and declare that God is really among you.”

(1 Cor 14:24-25)

It wasn't that dramatic for everyone, some people were fairly closed off. Others left in a contemplative mood, and some mentioned that they had known Jesus in the past and felt him calling them back.

Snapshot:

Camella: a Brazilian lady who's opened herself up to bad spirits in a bad way—we prayed over her, spoke the word, and saw God shake her up at the name of Jesus. At the end of the time with her, her mind was more clear, and her words were, “It's good to get back to the Word.” She came back to hang out the next two days, and physically looked different. She also came to church with us on Sunday. Keep her in prayer, she's known the Lord in the past but has gotten pretty involved with New Age spiritism, and she (as far as we know) still has not fully come back to Him.

Saturday, May 17: Day 3

-Saturday we were expecting an even bigger turnout. We rested during the day, expecting an all-nighter to come. In the evening, after the burning of the phoenix, we got into stations again. We felt God filling us and the camp, but there was some opposition. Right as we were about to start, Gayle got a heavy migraine, and DJ felt like he was going to have a seizure. We prayed and continued anyway, though it was a bit more chaotic without them. There was actually a smaller turnout because there was a big rave at the other end of the camp. But God was moving and it seemed like the time we spent with people was longer and even more significant. People continued to come and hang out for an hour or two at a time, all night, including the owner of the Shire (for the third night in a row), especially people who had come the previous night and who God had touched. The art room expanded into a worship/rest sanctuary in the middle of an otherwise crazy event, and four people ended up crashing at our site because they felt safe.

Snapshot:

Rafe: a teenage kid from a messed-up family, who has heard the gospel growing up and now describes himself as “lost.” A few of us were able to talk with him for a couple hours, answering questions, and Michael was able to share from his testimony. Rafe left, and then came back until late Saturday night (or was it early Sunday?) for a few more hours, thinking, painting, asking questions.

Sunday, May 18: Day 4

-a bunch of us left to attend Grassroots for a few hours, and while we were gone, person after person kept coming up to Gayle and Nick (the two that stayed behind) thanking them for the presence of the City of Refuge. Some asked for prayer, while others slept in the tent recovering from the night before. Key people from the event (including Glen, the owner of the Shire) also thanked us for being a presence and asked us to come back next year.

Thanks for your prayers! Praise the Lord! Continue praying for Glen, and for those we were hanging out with. There were so many more, so many stories... One other specific way that you can pray is that God would continue the relationships that were formed with everyone at the event who actually lives in Puna (there were a lot of travelers!).

A final thought: one of the most significant things I saw the Holy Spirit do was unite us as a team quickly and powerfully, and build our unity through the whole time. This was really sweet, and is part of the momentum for two new ministry opportunities we are looking ahead to very soon:

1)DJ, Nick, and Michael will be moving to the Shire later this week.

2)In a little over a week (Jun 15) a few of us from Grassroots will have a prayer/prophecy/dream interpretation booth set up at the market. Pray God's covering over this—we really can't do it without his Spirit, and we believe it's something he's going to move through! If this goes well and God continues to bless it, we would love to see it turn into a weekly thing with four different teams.

Pray for all of us...

-unity

-a covering of protection

-God's gifting and anointing on us

-that people would see Jesus through this

-that we would be an encouragement to other believers who have been disconnected from God's people here in Puna—there's a lot of them...

For the kingdom,

Jen (for the team)"

An Eye of the Storm

2008-01-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

Arriving at the house late Saturday night, the two young men were just getting started on the night. We came up to the door and the taller of the two called his brother in this house.
"Hey, we are outside."
Within a minute the front door opened, ushering the two travellers into the house that contained 61 beds for students to sleep in. This man the become the host for the night was about average height for a male of 22 years of age. His eyes held a deep love and creativity, letting all know who met eyes with that it was okay to be. They headed to the kitchen and started with just a little initial chit chat, after the the hugging embrace of family.
"How was the drive down?" spoke the host.
"It went well. I am sure glad to see you again." Spoke the taller of the two travellers.
"As you too, man"
"This is my friend." The taller said pointing to the smaller traveller.
"Aw, nice to meet you." They host and short traveller said as they exchanged hand shakes.
"Hey, come up to my room I want to show you something." Came the gracious host as he took off leading them away."
"Hey, where is the photographer at?" was the inquiry of the tall traveller. These two men shared a mutual friend that also lived in this house that boarded many seekers and searchers.
"I don't know let's go check his room." They all headed down a side hallway towards the west end of the building. They came the photographer's room and the host opened the door. The room was dark and nobody inside. "Looks like he is not here."
"Oh well," spoke the tall traveler as the small group continued to the second floor to the hosts room. On the way there the group passed by the room of a young searcher.
"Hey, young searcher, these are my friends."
"Hi, nice to meet you." Came the standard greeting and handshakes of new meetings. A short conversation ensued between the host, the tall traveler, and the young searcher on spiritual matters before they headed off to the hosts room. In his room, there was some brief exchange of words between the host and his tall traveling friend over a website and some of it's pod casts and a book that has been very influential. The host then loaded up a DVD of a concert of U2, show casing some of the highlights of this video. This was just the beginning of this night and what Papa had in store for the group He was bringing together. After about an hour after the arrival of the travelers, the three men headed to the basement, and into the music room. Some other people showed up, including the shepherd of the house, officially opening this meeting.
"So, if there is anything on any one's heart, feel free to share." Was the opening statement. The conversation started with talking about leadership and hierarchy in relation to matters of the Spirit and relationship. How in a relationship it is not about who is in charge, but submission and love to each other. This gathering of young men, in a basement, in the middle of a little college town, on a weekend night, lasted for about two hours. In this meeting they took the time to pray for each other, encourage each other, help each other, and most importantly worship a God that is living, true, and fills His chosen with love and joy, as He wills according to His grace. As the host and the two travelers left the room, a young seeker was left to soak up what was being poured into his spirit by this loving God. The three then settled out the sleeping situation of the two travelers, then debriefed in the shepherds room. Their conversation lasted about another 45 minutes, continuing in the spiritual matters, and sharing about what had just happened.
In the morning, the crew of young worshipers convened in the basement again for 'church'. This time they shared in the excitement and let down of the local professional basketball team game in Canada. Bread was broken and for a short while scattered conversations happened with other searchers and seekers who lived in this house and the tall traveler. As soon as the tall traveler saw the photographer return from his trip to a neighboring town, they hugged like brothers.
"So how was your trip?" asked the tall traveler.
"It was good, just went and visited some friends." They talked a little then moved to the photographer's room to look at some of his most recent pictures. The house had a mud bowl the day before and he took some pictures of it. They also reviewed some of the pictures from a wedding they both were at a few weeks back and chatted about freedom and X-Box games. They returned back to the main room of the house to see the short traveler on one of the many couches enjoying some silent time. Within a short order the tall traveler received a call from the host.
"Hey, what's your plans for the rest of the day?"
"We hadn't planned to much out yet, was kind of thinking we might leave soon."
"Oh, I was wondering if at two you might want to go over to the prayer warrior's house?"
"Absolutely!"
"Okay. I got to get money for gas, then gas for my truck."
"So will you be back so that we can follow you over there?"
"Yep."
"Okay see ya then."
"Bye man."
When the host returned, he ended up invited the house shepherd along and the travelers followed suit. When they arrived at the house, a quick remembrance hug and name exchange happened between the tall traveler and the prayer warrior. Introductions were tossed around to everyone else who did not know each other. Some basic talk happened then the photographer called the tall traveler.
"Hey, so where you at?"
"We are over at the prayer warrior's house, you should come."
"Okay, where do I go?" at this point the tall traveler handed his mobile over to the host, who gave the photographer the directions. When he arrived their meeting had just barely started, this was to be a prayer meeting that was at the beginning of a rising wave. The city was prayed over, prayer for each other, the other seekers and searchers in the valley, a little for the country, and some personal things were spoken out. By the end, it lasted for about two hours. Everyone hugged and parted ways, keeping their eyes toward the vision of a heavenly calling and a working of it in their own lives and communities. Only the Lord of heaven and earth knows exactly what this means and how it works out, but all the guys are hopeful and expecting to see movement and change.

The main theme of the whole weekend: Be at Peace

Poety from the Past

2008-01-04T00:56:00.000-08:00

Thoughts and Servitude

There I was staring at the sky

laying in the damp grass wondering why

we are moving through this life

looking for what can be our wife

searching for what can fill that hole

that seems to do nothing but flow

from those things that we flee

turn, run, fly away like a bumble bee.

Thinking about the hurts and pains

that all know inside underneath the rains

of sorrow, joy, hate, and love

and then He comes in like a dove.

The clouds flow by in wonderous shapes

pulling my mind toward the capes

of my Lord and Saviour, my Prince of Peace

how Jesus is the light and life of my niece

and how I pray that she gets a chance to see

just how wonderful He can be.

To let the whole world know that

Jesus Christ is tattooed on my heart

that my soul is in His hands

and how my life makes me a life long

servant and bonded man

whose being is dead without my

Son of Man

*************************************************************************************

Kissed By My Rose

My Rose of Sharon embrace me

holds me close, comforts me, caresses me

takes me into His bosom, wipes my tears

strokes my hair, looks me in the eyes.

Kissed by my rose

I pour out my hurts on His shoulders

I pour out my pain on His feet

My tears fall into His hands

I put my ashes on His altar

and my sorrow at His house.

Kissed by my rose

*************************************************************************************

What's Left of Me?

Here lies a shattered pot, knocked to the

ground from an act of desperation;

A desperation that cam from confusion and hurt

A hurt that was born from a wounded child,

a situation this kid had no control,

control is what is sought, but never really finding

Little does this child realize is that for control

to be established, it must be given

Given over to One that is the conquer,

One that holds all the keys

This kid is just a lost prince,

not knowing he is an heir to the Kingdom,

able to receive it all,

kept from this knowledge by one that is

Jealous

So this kid stays in pieces,

looking to be remade, over again

This kid is tired of running around

in a wheel that goes no where.

So he gathers his pieces and

goes to the King of Mercy

to get a new

POT.....

The Scent of Home: Peace in the Battle part 2

2007-12-26T01:43:00.000-08:00

Valentine Marino was a young man on his way to a successful life in the eyes of society. Not coming from a family of wealth, but Valentine did not what it was like to go without food either. Growing up in a mid-sized farm community on the border of Pennsylvania and New York. He worked on the farm with his family and was enjoying his life.
"Pop, I've been hearing rumors of conflict coming down overseas and how we might be getting involved soon?" Valentine asked quite curiously.
"Son, I wouldn't worry yourself with such matters. We got plenty to take care of here, you know how this last hail storm nearly destroyed the whole county's crops. We got to salvage what we can and repair the section of fence that was destroyed from Jim's stampeding cattle, not to mention......" was his dad's response. The rest of what he spoke disappeared into the background as Valentine thought on doing his duty to protect what freedom that had in the States. That day him and Jimmy talked with the recruiter at the cafe came quickly rushing back to him.
It was just three months ago, a nice hot Sunday and the boys had a couple extra quarters so they thought that they would get some cokes to cool them down.
"Val, so Misty and I talked in the hall after Math class. She has been having trouble with her English homework and was looking for some help. By God, I am not that stinkin' great either, but if it ain't over my Granny's tombstone I won't give 'er a shot. You just see that way she walks in that purple dress of hers. Damn, if she ain't gonna be the end of me someday." Came Jimmy's nasally voice just after his first sip. He must have been thinking about this since Friday, came to Val's mind, Jimmy just ain't this jumpy with information.
"Yo Jimmy, sounds like she might be working you over. Getting you to jump through her hoops, take care with them girls, they can be real tricky and getting to do things you wouldn't normally do like skipping out on them cards Saturday nights to have tea with her friends."
Jimmy's retort came quickly and almost a little irritated, just the effect Val wanted, "That ain't gonna happen Val. No girl is going to control me like that."
"Yeah. what...." Val started to speak, but was quickly interrupted by a rough voice into their conversation.
"Hey you boys, you hear about what's been happening?"
"Nah, we haven't. What's it to you anyway old man?" Jimmy's irritation growing quickly to anger now. He never was one that was kind to eavesdroppers. This old man ended up sharing about the war happening overseas and how because of it food and metal was in high demand over there. He shared about the glory that came to those that proved themselves good citizens as soldiers and how the Army would help provide for family of good soldiers. Val was paying more attention than Jimmy. He recently proposed to Candace, his girlfriend, since they both were graduating high school soon and knew they wanted to be together forever.
"Scat old man, you ain't getting us to sign no papers so you can get enough money to buy yourself a nice new shiny Chevy. We ain't interested," Jimmy and his rough answers when he was ready to go off and get into another scruff.
"Hey man, it might be better for ya to leave now. I don't mean any offense, I just don't want to see my friend do something stupid and get himself hurt," came Val as the voice of peace and reason.
The recruiter's only response, "Here's my card boys. If you ever change your mind give me a call."
To Valentine this still seemed like yesterday. Since then he graduated, married Candace, and they were living with his mom and dad on the farm. That thought never left him though. At the end of this day, Val made an excuse to go into town and called the Recruiter. That was a year ago. These thoughts came back to him as he got another letter from Candace. The letter smelled of her perfume and it contained a picture of his now almost two year old daughter. These articles of life and home Valentine tucked into his helmet, never wanting them to leave his mind. This little piece of home is all the sanity he has left in the craziness of the field. The bullets and bombs never seem to cease to end. The blood and the smell of burnt and rotting flesh seem to be the cologne on his clothes and the sound of the screams of his friends dying haunt his dreams sometimes. It is getting easier and easier to just not learn the names of the new recruits, less attachment when they die too. Too bad too, they all seem like pretty good boys. Until then though, Candace and Meredith are on his mind and the main driving force for him to be the best.
"The sooner this shit is over, the sooner we can go home," is the most common phrase out of Valentine Marino's mouth in between puffs on his cigarette.

I write this little short story to hopefully show a point. We all have a home, this home is were we belong, the place our life is made complete. For those that feel the longing for this home, when we get scents and pieces of the home, stories of what's happening there, what's going on with the family, that becomes our treasure. At that point the bullets, bombs, guts, blood, alcohol, and cigarette smoke fade into the background of: Home. There is peace in that.

Peace in the Battle: Meaning and Thoughts

2007-12-26T01:24:00.000-08:00

Peace: that which the world strives for, but never seems to have for too long at all. Is this due to our definition of peace, our nature as humans, or something else entirely? We seems to think of peace as the lack of conflict. I would challenge any person to show me life without this conflict though. We have conflict or struggle in our lives, it might look different for different people, but we all have that in common. Since we tend to dislike pain, discomfort, and change, there is this perception that peace is the lack of conflict, I would disagree. It must have to do with something else, something within people, it seems to be a select few, but this is open to all; a thing that gives people peace in the midst of this struggle.

This peace that exists in the midst of the storms of life must come from something like hope or trust. Hope in a day on the other side of the storm and trust knowing that there is a Son of Man that is there to hold on to through it all. That the achievement of being peaceful even in the most of messed up situations is a position that is sought. Now, I'm not saying that being at peace means a lack of emotion. Emotions will vary in this peace, grieving, confused, and seeking can all be co-existent with this peace that is based in trust. Trust in what though?

Trust, we are all humans with trust issues. We are all on this path of continually learning to trust more and more. Who to trust though, when so many people let us down, hurt us, use us? There is an eye to the storm, the place of rest and peace even though the storm is raging around you. This Man that can be turned did walk the earth at a point in the past. This Man is the peace that calmed a storm on an open sea, this Man is the one that saw a tax collector for who he was, and this Man is the one that saw the woman that needed a loving touch not another condemner when she was caught.

I talk of my Papa's Son.

This is the reason of the name and term Peace in the Battle. The seeking and sharing of how to have and be at peace in the battles of this life.

Silence Treatment

2007-12-26T01:14:00.000-08:00

Calling out, stand up, come up, My graceful present yet just silence and denial in reply Answer Me, talk to Me, I AM here still just the quietness of an empty room Talk, yell, scream, some sort of response, let Me know you still care now that hollowness of an empty open road at midnight settles in

It is quite amazing to note this, a taste of how Jesus might feel, when we don't talk to Him. How He longs to hear from us, waiting for that phone call, that spontaneous drop-in, the lunch in the park, something; we only respond with silence, or the famous 'maybe later'. How at times when people seek for conversation, to use a new/old buzzword, community, the ones that we want to be involved are the last ones that ever respond??? How upside down we are, how upside down this world is........ The ones we want to spend time with reject us, the ones that want to spend time with us we reject, but yet scripture states that God has given us a spirit of adoption into the kingdom of light. Yet in order to work things out all parties involved have no communication, refuse to talk for one reason or another; Lord how do we change this?? How gracious of a God we serve. To constantly forgive those that misrepresent His kingdom for just a simple thing as wanting to truly change.

Mirror of Reflection

2007-12-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

I sat, looking in a mirror of glass, staring at my imperfections; Using the coals of my past to burn them away leaving only scars that remain in the mirror.

You were there watching

I sat, looking in a broken mirror on the desk, staring at the many reflections of my blemishes. The mirror that was broken by the stone of betrayal; Using the pieces of shattered dreams, to cut away the blemishes. This time not just the spots on the outside, but everything around them, for now in this broken mirror all was defiled; this time only the underlying blood remained.

You were there watching

I sat, looking in the mirror, broken pieces put together oh so slightly, some not quite matching up, but closer to the first;staring at the shattered image of my blemishes; wondering what happened, why me; then I cover the reflection with a black shroud, never to look again; Using anguish to cover my exposed life, hiding from You.No blemishes now, just brokenness.

You were there watching

I lay, staring at the walls around me, forgotten about the mirror only circling, spiraling, chasing the bottom of the drain; longing for an end. Cursing all, mostly the false world in the mirror and the reflection. Using, nothing, not moving, just weeping.

You were there watching and waiting

I sit, on the bed, in the grave shroud, looking at were the mirror lays, forgotten.A light is shining from underneath, pulsing, humming, calling. Using my eyes, staring, forgetting weakness, just staring.

You were there watching and waiting

I stand, on my own two feet, first time in eons; moving towards the now remembered mirror; my clothes, still there, life still exposed, waiting for that end to come; now curiosity. Using my hands, I raise them up to remove the covering on the long forgotten mirror

You were there watching and waiting

I remove the cover, to see a mirror of polished gold; standing there, looking inside the reflection for the very first time (truly), wondering in amazement, what lays before my eyes. Beauty, a thing I have never known; Love, a thing always twisted; Joy, a thing forgotten; Hope, a thing never found. I look even deeper, I see me, remade, no blemish, no scar, no exposed life, all I see is You in that mirror of my soul.

and You were watching

..............and weeping.

Treatsie on Companion

2007-12-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

A man is walking down a hallway, pictures lining both sides of the walls. This hallway has been paced many times before, always alone, the pictures never change. Sorrow fills the hallway with sound as pain paints the floor like a carpet.

But You were always there

The pictures showing things of the past, things that once were, things that could have been, things that should have been, things that never will be. Do you believe? a voice echoes out of seemingly nowhere, but everywhere. The man continues to pace, not noticing.

But You were always there

The man has some new pictures on the walls now, but still nothing. His steps slow now as the man has not rested, ever. His feet drag over to the closet to grab a hammer, that he can barely move. Taking it to some of the pictures, he swings, nothing breaks. Over and over again for hours, trying to smash the pictures to no avail. Wearily he drops the hammer and slumps against the wall to the floor, sobbing.

But You were always there

Barely rising, the man walks again up and down the hall, dragging, crawling on his belly, like the worm he feels. Sometimes stopping to look at a picture, then continuing, still weeping. Barely able to move anymore the man pulls up and down the hallway on the carpet of anguish, surrounded by sorrow. Do you believe?

But You were always there

Noticing the question this time, the man tries to squeak an answer, but no moisture is left. He is less than a skeleton; moving onward, the man tries to talk, but nothing comes out. Now frustration sets in. With a new vigor, this ghoul of what was pulls through the hallway.

But You were there

Do you believe? The man tries to scream, Yes! But it is still not working. Finally he gives up, waiting for it to all come crashing down and to have it over. He breaks all his bones and grinds them to dust.DO YOU BELIEVE?! Now thunders through the hallway. The man, broken, just nods his head and cries, but no tears remain.

But You were there

Light floods the hallway, shaking, shattering all the pictures. The walls cave in, the roof falls down, and the floor splits apart. All the man can now see is light, then finally darkness.

But You were there

Asleep at the end of a hallway in which a door stands at one end, a baby lies at the other sleeping, peacefully.

but You were there,

beside me,

Always.

Darkness into Light

2007-12-26T00:55:00.001-08:00

The ache in my heart, burning to the soul, melting the ice that surrounds the holes, of wounds, cuts, and scars that had been there a many year, gently drawing bitterness and self-loathing down into the shear, core of my being, trying to corrupt my mind, turning it sour and full of perversion, until I could find, the One Man that saves all through blood and love, cleaning those that are dirty, healing the cove of a soul in despair, travailing over things that should have been, leaving a fire in the place where of the bin, of the heart of one in love and burning, with passion for the One that is always turning
Darkness into Light

Truth of Companionship

2007-12-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

we all want someone to fight for us. take it how you want. people want two things that I know of:
1. Someone that KNOWS them. The details, the fine print. The shit. The things where we know we're AMAZING, & yet the things we hate ourselves for.
2. Someone that WANTS them. Someone that just wants us, & they're not ashamed of it. You are so glorious I just can't quit talking about you.

I want you to KNOW me & still WANT me.

you're fantastic

Tension of Loneliness

2007-12-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

A man walks to his car from his house, feeling out of place in that house.
He gets into his car, driving down the road thinking that something else has to be wondering where he is going.
He pulls into a parking lot, gazing out his wondering; feeling alone and that not many understand.
Walking through the park, passing through the crowds of people, the many families, couples, and individuals, yet not being connected to any of them.
This man, cries out for them all from his inner most being, praying and hoping that they would know the One that fills that loneliness, the One that shows everlasting love, the One that is relentlessly pursuing us as we pursue vapor.
How do we find fellowship with the blind when we see, how do you relate the color red to someone that has never seen; how do we share love to people that don't know what it truly is and when confronted with it, RUN?

In a place where sorrow and joy meet, where peace and war, love and hate, order and chaos, balanced and unbalanced, devoted and lethargic, somewhere in there, this tension, do we find what is being sought after, that which completes who we are; only one answer remains, the answer that has been and will be rejected right up until the sky is split.