Very Rough Draft..... Work in Progress

Family Groups


I am not sure were to start with this, but I feel compelled to explain some of my mindset and experiences before I get into the dirty details of the matter. We all would agree that family is important and that being in close contact with people is equally important. We all understand that community is important too. We read about it, not just in the Bible, but in the newpapers and magazines. Many religions even talk about community and how important it is. That aspect is not unique to the way Jesus taught. Then what is it? I hope to explore this a bit.

Lets start out with a little background of my experiences. Growing up I had both of my parents and a younger sister. From what I was told my sister and I were close when we were children and I don't remember much about my parents' relationship with each other. I do remember that when my parents took my sister and I to their parties, I would sometimes catch glimpses them doing lines in a bedroom. I didn't know exactly what that was, but I do remember quite distinctly that there was something incredibly wrong with that. It was at that that way my respect for my parents start to degrade. Now this happened sometime in between pre school and third grade. Third grade was a different matter.

This is when my sense of family, stability, and a good relationship between my parents was shattered. My mom slept with another guy at a party at the neighbor's house. I remember this guy leaving little stuffed bears and things in cars and around hidden corners for my mom. He would also buy her things like bicycles and electronics. When I got handed one of these gifts I also remember feeling really slimy and wanted to see this guy dead. He became the focus of the anger, frustration, confustion, and hatred that tore apart my family. My pictures started taking on darker images and the weapons that I drew were intended to be used on this guy. Either before or after my parents got back together my mom took my sister and I to Southern Oregon to live with her mom.

I didn't like this from square one. I was already super pissed and became a gigantic pain in the ass. I refused to do anything that was asked of me, whined and fought till I got my way, and started to hide in an emotional shell. I was very mad at my mom and I didn't really understand why. She signed me up for school down there, which I played along with right up until the first day of school. I remember quite clearly that day, sitting in the back seat of the car passively resisting going in. I was thinking about how much the kids would make fun of me for the situation my sister and I were in and how unfair it was for my dad to not have both of his children. I said that day that I wanted to go live with my dad.

Over the next few months I lived with my dad and he was having a hard time with everything. He was extremely depressed and we never really had time to hang out because of my schooling and his work schedule. Even after my parents got back together there were distant from us, or maybe I was distant from them. Either way my sense of family stability and connection was destroyed. My sister's and mine's relationship spiralled into darkness as I became a very controlling person. I didn't understand how to handle the situation, but I felt the need to do something about it. As I myself sunk deeper and deeper into depression it seemed as it I would never have a real family again. I never could get along with people that had a supportive and loving family because of my jealousy of what they had and I longed for. I was driving away those people that could possibly help recover the one thing my heart wanted.

This attitude and depression lasted and got worse all the way until my early twenties. Most of my life I had always wanted family, but never had the chance to even come close. In my early twenties I had this profound encounter with the Son of Man, Jesus, that changed my life. Shortly there after without my realization, he put me into a situation were I started to see what family was like. It did come a group of people that were involved in a side ministry of a church that I was attending. Also running parallel with this change was a change with my sister and my dad. Through the circumstances we all just went through, they made some decisions to change their lives also. The three of us started to grow closer and closer. I opened up to them about what was happening inside of me and what was going on in my mind growing up. The family I had was becoming more like a family. My mom is a different story. Anyway this family thing was coming around. The next step of this process would come from this word community.

Living in Portland, OR I heard a lot about community. It was the buzzword, the one thing that a lot of people latched onto. Both in and outside of church walls being and living in community was a common theme. There were plans to reach out and how one could live with a group of people in community. This all sounded good, but something deep inside wasn't satisfied. There is a word inside of community that I saw missing from all the examples. Unity. There were plenty of rules on the community could work together, plenty of borders to define who did what and when, and every person had their own specific place. If the flow that was set up by one or two people in charge, if someone didn't do their 'job' or didn't fill their 'role', then grace was not the answer. Those people were met with gossip, passive aggressive resistance, and excommunication. From what I have read and experienced from this Papa, these were not the fruits of the community of what Christ had set up or wanted.

My answer to this, run away to Hawaii.

Hawaii as I was told there, is probably the closest any land can get to what the Garden of Eden would have been like. Community is another one of those things that people move towards here. It was very real too. Whichever community you were 'in' is were you stayed. The people within that community helped each other out and would fight for each other. There was this sense of pride in the community you were a part of. Whether is was the Hawaiian, Filipino, Hippie, Farmer, Houlie, or even which school you were attending. People would gather around their banners and come together. Something else I also saw within these groups of people was a willingness to forgive those within the community if they didn't act 'by the rules.' In fact there really weren't any outside of just general respect. There was one instance though that showed me that something deeper than just community must be needed.

I was living on this piece of property called The Shire. The people that owned this property had a big idea in mind. This property would be turned into a self sustaining community that needed to outside influence to continue its existence for the years to come. This was an attempt at community. Nothing was required, they did ask for monetary donations if anyone had money and all the help on the property was on a volunteer basis too. Give give out of the compassion and love in your heart. Some gave more than others, some gave nothing at all. To the guy that was the 'manager' of the property he never forced the issue. He had an understanding that some people that it took everything they had to just wake up in the morning. Drugs were freely shared, food and chores was another matter. I saw one instance that showed me something about community that helped to form my present thoughts. Over breakfast two people almost came to throwing fists over who cooked what and then something about who was a leader within the community and who wasn't.

Shortly after this event, things changed for the owners of this property and they had to set up contracts with people, to sign, on how this land was going to be used for agricultural use. Now here was community, a system of rules and expectations that defined each persons role within the community independent of love and relationship. Immediately I saw the missing piece and it started my thinking into something more. This got me to thinking of people in Hawaii and in Oregon that showed that real community is only maintained from a mutual love and a deep relationship built between the people. The question then became, where does this live as an example in the world today? Families. Family is the connection of community and love of those around you. Family is one of those sparkles in Papa's eye.

Family is important I am sure we all can agree on that, but being as we live in America that has fostered this spirit of independence and self-reliance, do we understand just how deep family goes. When looking at other cultures or some religions in the world, family is the number one thing. Say take Islam for example: countries in which Islam is present the children are not even expected to attempt to leave the parents home until at least the age of 22 or 23. That is a four year difference from what happens here in America. Those years may not seem like a lot, until you have lived through them. As an adolescent a person is starting to develop their uniqueness as a person and personality. This time frame is the solidifying of such growth. Also, in Hawaiian culture the Ohana, family, is a top priority. When you are ohana, ohana sticks together. When one ends up hungry or homeless another member of the ohana helps them out. When everyone is out kayaking in the long boats, every able body helps to bring the boats to shore when the rowers are done. There is a personal pride within each Islander for which family they live in and belong too. This list could continue on for a long time, but I just wanted to point out that most of us still have a long way to go in understanding the richness of a true family connection that runs deeper than DNA.

Part of the reason of family, from my limited experience and observation, is to teach each and every person how to foster deep relationships with people over time and through both the best and worst of times. For when things get bad and someone leaves your life that damages both individuals. Or even when two people have a disagreement or a very emotional fight, damage is done to both parties. With a shallow relationship, which is what many never progress beyond, there is no room for reconciliation and a mending of the wounds. This is not in anyway, yet a theological scholar I am not, from what I read throughout the Bible what Papa, Jesus, God, the Father, ever wants for his children to experience. Living with your own family means there is no escape from the situation and it has to be worked out. No matter how much verbal venom is spit back and forth, no matter how many knives are planted in one another's backs, stomachs, hearts, or kidneys, there is no escape from the family you grew up around. In this case, with very exceptional circumstances withstanding, those relationships with family still exist today. I would almost be willing to become a betting man to say that those relationships continue to get deeper everyday. If it can be done once, why not again. A person's family started out as strangers and unknown people in each life; love was the one thing that kept everyone bonded together through all the seasons life had in store.

As a baby, this is pure speculation, we had no real understanding of love. We are violently thrust into an entirely unknown world full of strange things for all of our senses and left to figure it all out without any apparent help. If it wasn't for some loving family each baby would be left out in the unknown, alone, and they would die. (As all babies that are abandoned do.)

Even in these families though, there isn't much reaching out beyond the group. That is were the community aspect comes into play. To move beyond what has been established to use that connection to help others or maybe even invite them in to the circle. I mean think about, a person sees this group of people that are so close that the love is felt without even a word spoken. These people seem to be full of something that normally is missing from in front of our eyes, yet inside we all long for it. We don't have a name for it, just a need. A group of people seem to have it and then that same group of people invite that very same person in! What a treat! It would be like that cold and homeless person invited in the warm and loving holiday dinner that for many seasons they had only seem from the outside through the windows. On top of that invited to stay in the house! It is not good to foster the family connection without in some way sharing it with the world that is around us.

Really, what I am getting at is that someone needs to bridge the gap between the two and allow them to be transformed into something wholly something new. Something that sheds light just from its mere existence, something of the form of a kingdom living inside each and every person and a kingdom that has its gates open with a big welcome sign outside. Crowds of people just waiting and even crowds stepping out of the gates, to help and share the connection and gifts that exist within this kingdom. Why can't that someone be us?

What That Might Look Like

Since in writing I am unable to lay a whole bunch of concepts on top of one another, due to the fact that one letter must proceed the next, I may just start with an environment. Now a disclaimer, I am no way THE authority on this matter all of the information I will provided is purely my own conclusions from within my experience and conversations with Papa, that being said the environment seems like the best place to start. The environment is everything outside of each person and relationships between individual people. We are working from the outside in it seems. An environment in which family bonded relationships can be established while at the same time encouraging the outreach of communities may seem like a monumental task. One that nobody could do along and with the strength of one person. I would agree, it was never intended to be done alone. Our main example with this is God himself. Of all things he could have made himself be, he chose to have a perfect relationship within himself. A relationship that is bonded in perfect love and expresses itself in the same way. And onto Jesus, every step of his life he could have easily just taking over the world with the signs he could do, the armies he could call upon, and go the road alone. Instead he invited a young engaged couple into his circle and eventually 12 very difficult friends too. With these people he then sent out to do what he taught them, to live life in such a way that the expressed love and heart of the Father could not be denied. This Man of Son had an air about him, that everywhere he went the environment changed. And those 12 close to him obviously lived

in a different one.

This environment does have some distinct qualities about it. They were evident based on the interaction that the Christ had with people and also how those people continued after the ascension.

   It was okay to make a wrong guess around and to make mistakes. Nobody was ever devalued based on anything that was or was not said. He walked in such a way that everybody had value.
   Asking questions was never a wrong thing to do. There was always a response, but the act of asking a question never once was shot down with ridicule or shame.

Writing toward Freedom

It has been awhile since any post has been done and a lot has happened over the past few months. I am not really sure what to say as a lot has happened and a part of me is still afraid to share. Still afraid cause it gets proven time and time again that when I open up, people use that vulnerablity to cause harm. It makes me guarded on being open and honest, but I promise you I will do my best.

Since July, I have moved to Tualatin. This move allowed me to be closer to work and meet some very interesting people. At first, it was a place that felt like hom and a sense of peace was around there. The guy that asked me to move in was very friendly and we all started having a sense of community. We talked, laughed, spent time together, and just enjoyed one another's presence. A hint maybe of what it is like with real family, real church. This was giving me hope that a real loving family was possible, a real chance at the loving community I know God wants for us all. Having a chance to see it in action, in combination with what I experienced from some 'old guys' that I really respect I knew to be Papa proving himself to me. (Thanks again) For awhile I forgot what pride and selfishness did to relationships.

Its September now and things have changed. Bickering is hidden in people's hearts and that sense of peace is left. I sense that people are walking on egg shells, trying to set people off. This cause my flee reaction, I isolate myself from the drama and just 'turtle up'. The sense of entitlement is swimming through the air like a shark in the ocean. It takes all my strength just to maintain my composure sometimes. This mixed with the fear of having to move again is more of a recipe for chaos in mine own little world, swirling around some peace that maintains itself inside. How can that be? Peace amongst strife and chaos. Must be the work of Jesus. I really haven't shared this with any of my roommates. Sure, I can lay out plenty of excuses, but in the end that is exactly what they are. Excuses.

Recently, one of my roommates was coming across as if I had hurt them and proven myself to be untrustworthy. I asked this person if I had ever proven myself to be that way, they said no. Now that left me with a feeling of being taken advantage of and betrayed, how did deserve such treatment for trying to do what was right and being helpful? I wonder if this same thought went through the mind of Jesus when he saw Judas coming to meet him at the Garden? So I chat with a confidant of mine and a response comes out that made me laugh.

"Welcome to my team brother; only the finest of people are here! - Jesus"
:D. In my thoughts exactly

Now I wonder, how did he ever handle all the pain that people lay out on each other?

I also got a promotion from were I work. I now am the highest level of technical support for the project that I am working on. A lot more responsibility and a lot more procedural knowledge is needed. Its nice cause my brain stays engaged and it is building my resume. I know this company is not my 'career' path, but it is for the moment the provision being given. This company are my ravens. Many days I leave this place with thoughts and cries simliar to Davids, the king of Israel so long ago.

Why do the wicked prevail and the righteous suffer? Is constant harrassment and persecution the only thing that I will see? Is not walking with the only intention of being with Papa enough? Yet the world and people pull so much in so many directions, trying to blind and confuse me from remember this one thing. He is enough.

In this all the one thing that I am learning, its really hard too, is to trust. Trust and to stop taking things so personal. The burden is carried by Christ and he decides what he shares with me. If he doesn't gift with a burden, then I am just free to hang out and be myself.

I want to end this with a question. Take some time to pray about it before and answer is given.

If you and Jesus were to pray for me over the topic of burdens, what would it be?

Extra credit: If you and Jesus were to pray for you over the topic of burdens, what would it be?





All of this got started when I watched Freedom Writers today. Great movie. Watch it. Write about your life, you have a story to tell and no one should fade as a nameless, faceless number into the white pages and black text of history. If you want share your story with me, the least I can do is offer an ear when no one else will.

Peace be unto you

Faith Healing or Death Certificates?

http://www.oregonlive.com/clackamascounty/index.ssf/2009/07/ava_clearly_showed_grave_illne.html

Read this article first.

There really is a lot to talk about in this, but I don't think that no matter how much God wants us to trust Him, have faith in the process of Jesus in our life, and the move of Sarayu around us; that he ever intended for the death of anyone, let alone children. I am not trying to cast a stone at this guy, I am sure that he believed he was doing God's will for his life and what Papa wanted from him. That doesn't excuse actions that bring destruction. Faith healing is great, it shows the power of the Spirit and the miracles it can do. At the same time there is a place for the wisdom of medicine in our lives. That information is just as much a miracle as the prayer that brings back the dead or heals the man of lung cancer.

I feel remorse and sorrow for the situation they must be in. 1. The crisis of faith they may be going through. Everything they knew about God, how he worked in people's lives, and what they were being taught about the bible, is now in question. On the other side, society is attacking these people as monsters and being prosecuted as criminals. How is their church responding to them? From my limited experience with the teaching that surround faith-healing only, there is a great chance that their own thoughts and the voices of people around them are betraying. Saying that the parents did not have enough faith, that they did not pray enough, that they did not fast enough. Total B.S. If anyone really is a follower of Jesus then how do we move forward in this situation in a spirit of gentleness?

I have also heard some people start to rail on these parents because, "The testimony of other christians is now damaged." When will we get our minds off of our work, how we look, or even what affects us? Would Jesus have been more concerned with how other people's choices affected him or how he could bring about healing in their life while drawing them closer to Papa? Was his identity based in other people's actions and choices or in his relationship with his own Daddy?

Is their anyway that me, us, can extend forgiveness to these people for their actions and ask them for forgiveness of us? Forgive us for the judgement of their hearts and the malice contained there in......

And birth is the greatest miracle of all. Followed closely I imagine by parenthood. :D

This one is intended to start a discussion. I may add more of mine own thoughts here in a bit, but I want everyone to openly discuss this topic and everything around it.

Another link for more articles on this topic: http://blog.oregonlive.com/clackamascounty/2009/06/faithhealing_deaths_previous_s.html

Future and the thoughts that Surround

People have been asking me, what do I want out of life, what do I see myself doing in the future, what is that you want to do?

Thinking about that I have had a few things in mind. Many things go through my mind as I know with Jesus at my side, anything is possible. He makes the way and gives the desires anyway. :D Before I go off on a rant about the future and how sometimes the downfall of our future is the very thoughts we make towards it. I will spare all the readers that till later, I will start with what my thoughts truly are about what I would like in my future.

Writing: A few people mention that I seem to have a gift for writing and I do enjoy it. Currently I am looking for little ways to keep that going and see it I can make some money at it. This blog for example, also trying to write a book or two, and checking craigslist for any possibility that may appear. 

Technology: A couple opportunities have opened up with a co-worker of mine. On one hand we are working together on making apps for the iPhone. The second is to get certified as an Apple Technician and start our own Apple repair business. Both would be nice and quite profitable.

Utimately: My main dreams about the future would be to be a dad and a husband. This one thing is what seems like is the calling from Papa. This, also in my opinion, is the highest calling in Jesus follower can have. To be married and have children. That takes a relationship of deep trust between a person and Jesus to be His follower and helped to spread that with the ones closeset to you. God help me!

Otherwise: School sometimes makes its way into my thoughts. Psychology and Social Services is were my tendencies go. Maybe counselling. Who knows, but for the most part I try to just take it a day at a time and be okay with what God brings along.

Live in Peace and Rest

Memior of Hawaii: Installment 1

Disclaimer: To those who are in this story and know what is being said, at times the story may be a bit raw. I opened, to a point, what was inside and poured out. All the events in this story are real, the thoughts, action, and words area as close to what actually happened as my memory will allow; however the names have been changed, well just because I want to make up new names. Now I want to fore warn the readers, I am writing this based around events, people, and lessons. So please track with me on this as it is more about transformation than chronology.

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My trip to Hawai'i was a 'time of my life,' like someone spoke over me. Many things happened in the short four months I was there. For those looking for a steamy or even dirty romance story, an action packed life or death adventure, or even a heart wrenching low-budget human drama, this is not your story. This is just simply one man sometimes working in conjunction with his Creator and Best Friend on identity issues. STOP- Am I really going to open myself to an unknown size and grouping audience in this way? Well, I will keep on writing if you keep on reading. I still might continue writing even if you stop reading, but hey this is a blog on the internet so who really reads it anyway? It does seem easier though to write to an anonymous people, than it is to talk with a brother or sister face to face. The family member knows you, the audience does not. Selah...

My first day on the island was such a foreshadow of my whole trip. Upon landing in Hilo, the smells and feel of the place immediately drew me in. Many times people told me it would be hot and extremely humid, borderline mental institution in its unbearableness. Far from the case. If anyone gets the chance to go the Big Island, GO! All went fairly well de-boarding with my two travel companions and me. That is until our ride from our soon to be new friend Amy arrived. Four people, 13 pieces of luggage in various shapes and sizes, and all our egos had to fit in a two door commuter car, somewhere on top of the music equipment Amy kept in her car. A logistical nightmare even an Army Supply Sergeant would not want to touch. Needless to say, I ended up in the back crammed and boxed in (no movement at all) while Henry drove the car clown style. This half-hour ride of humor while in pain was just the beginning.

Arriving at our living quarters for the next couple of months, Henry and I started to settle in with our friend and new roommate Taylor. This place we would soon learn was a jungle of Purifying Fire and we were sleeping in the coals of confrontation. Things were okay at the beginning, but this growing agitation was building inside of me. There was no understanding of where this was coming from and this was a key ingredient in the storms to come.

We got along well playing games, talking a lot, and even becoming close friends. Playing this tile game from Germany by candle light is left as a fond memory. Slowly just the voice of Henry kept irritating an already agitated person. I think the first explosion came after two weeks. Through it the entire one thing I always told Henry, "That no matter what, we have to not stop talking to each other. Even if we hate each other at that moment." Surprisingly to me this became the key for this section of the journey.

Communication. So important yet so not used. I am not sure that this is intended by most people, the lack of use. It seems more likely that for the most part that it is a mix of the example we are provided from our parents, the experiences we have learned from, and our relationship with Jesus that guide our choices in communicating. Communication is one of those things that is vitally important in any interaction with other living creations and is rooted in trust. Too many times a lack of communication is due either to mistrust in another person or mistrust in the person reading this story. Which brings us to an interesting relationship, we must communicate in order to relationship which in turn builds trust in one another; then we are more open with our communication with those we trust. At some point one person takes the step of faith to open themselves in this way and the chance of being hurt in exchange for the chance of being friends. That is unless I am the only person that gets this interaction.

So Henry and I through our two months would sometimes be at each other's throat, with me usually being more aggressive; then turn around and be like a modern day Odd Couple. Unlike them though, we had a third Taylor. Now, I have lived by myself, had multiple roommates, but I have not had to share a room with anyone since mid elementary school. This would prove to be one of the most if not the biggest test of mine on this trip. Having no personal space whatsoever, no secrets, no place to hide and run away, and no place to think without someone else face to face with you. Is this what it is like with Jesus?

Henry, Taylor, and I, the three most unlikely people to share a room with, yet here we were together. It was almost like someone that really cared for us had put us together because He knew that our interaction would be the pruning shears we needed. Before long we were all feeling the pinch of lack of space. Myself, I had been feeling the irritation and I was having trouble restraining my emotions. When I spoke up it was usually sharper than I wanted, but all my years of self-control were waning. My heart was making its transition from the security vault inside to my sleeve. It wasn't long before going to sleep we would share how the others had hurt us and made us feel. About that time Taylor became an invisible roommate to us.

For about three weeks Henry and I saw Taylor about three or four times. Two of those were times where we could actually talk. Now just before this all started happening the three of us came to an agreement, no matter how it looks or what happened we would not give up on each other. With Taylor M.I.A. most of the time, a feeling of betrayal was setting in to Henry and I. I mean what an effin hypocrite, not mention with Taylor's choice my emotional reaction was not good for our brotherhood. He got not into the category of, "When the going gets tough, he gets going. Just like everyone who has ever abandoned me." Not very healthy for our friendship but there it was.

It all culminated in one incident. My mom and I have been slowly rebuilding trust in our relationship. She called one day to give me her new phone number. Taylor neglected to tell me of this for almost two weeks. This delay was in addition to never receiving any message when people would try to get a hold of me. This was a knife to the kidneys from the back. All the trust that had been built between us now gone.

Trust for me, is hard to re-earn. Once betayed I struggle with ever trusting in the same way again. That is an area Jesus is still working in me. I am not sure how well you, as the reader, can relate, but trust is a difficult issue for me. It scares me to trust and be trusted. It looks like trust and faith are so interconnected that they are two sides of the same coin.

Faith. Taught by some that is a power used to bring about an affect. Recently for myself when reading about it through Scripture replacing the word faith with the word trust. Trust is at the core of just about every decision why would faith be any different. To have faith could be said that believing in something so much that it comes to pass. How else would we believe a thing like this unless somehow it had been proving to be unfailing? So with people and Jesus alike, when they say, "Let me show you that I am trustworthy. I do this because I love you very much." Trust, from what I observe, is built with time together and a consistency in our character. Faith and trust could be looked as two lovers sleeping in bed together, content. That almost sounds like a plot synopsis for a movie.

So, I was pretty pissed at Taylor for a few days after I found out about him not giving me the message from my mom. The next time I saw him face to face, I asked him about it. When it got confirmed the word "asshole" came out of my mouth and it was clearly shot at him. Henry was the witness. The whole time I kept talking with Papa about the situation and wanting to forgive, but kept being pissed. It hurt. I had taken the chance to share with a friend, brother, and once again got stabbed in a sore spot. Unlike all the other times through, I just wanted it gone rather than wallowing in the pain. Family means a lot to me, they can be the ones to hurt the most. About two weeks later, maybe less the time lines are a little blurry in spots, I finally had a chance to pull him aside and talk. It just came out that what happened hurt and I was tired of being pissed off. Forgiveness had won the day. Trust was lost though, but maybe thanks to forgiveness one day it will be back.

A little about the place we stayed now. Cosmetically it was an office in the middle of what was a rundown flower farm. No running water, no electricity, next to no contact to the outside world when we were on the Stress Farm. I call it this because since about day one of the trip there was a low, but rising level of stress in the atmosphere. This was mainly due to a lack of communication in letting the owners, Caiaphas and Martha, know of Henry's and mine arrival. They were made aware of it before we actually arrived, but maybe only about 24 hours though. For some reason we never completely recovered from this action. It was like that one miscommunication would define our relationship Henry, Taylor, and I would have with Martha and Caiaphas.

Things went fairly smooth the first the first couple weeks. We set up a deal of work trade for housing. 12 hours a week was all they asked. We were up to date until the Rebirth festival. After we got back something hit us. We all were exhausted and done working. This lasted for about one week. The very next week after that Henry and I followed Taylor around when he left the Farm. Many reasons or excuses were there, but nonetheless three people were now 24 hours behind on work. Tension rose yet again. This is where Martha and Caiaphas become a bit of regulars around the Farm.

Martha and Caiaphas were definitely people that were growing in their relationship with the man named Jesus. Being a christian and moving in an ever growing relationship with Jesus does not mean, always, that in a very short time span a close bonding is made between people. Relationship is a four letter word for sure! Work. Interacting with these two was one of the most painful reminders I have ever had. About the time Taylor decided to be separated from Henry and myself, Caiaphas and Martha went from being indifferent nice to outright demanding. Now, I can understand their feelings on the matter.

They felt taken advantage of, which in the same situation I might deal with the same emotions. It looked as if we were either not staying up to date or was not up to the quality of work they expected. This was their point of view. In my mind was just a simple thought, "I want to do the best I can with what I got." I in no way want to place blame anywhere; I have learned in my limited experience that a situation like this has resulted as of a breakdown somewhere on both sides. Best thing at this point, initiate to the best of my ability reconciliation. In relationships it will not always be smooth and clear. Sometimes it’s rocky, becomes solid rock, and maybe even gets chilled over. In no way do I regret what happened, Papa uses it to shape all parties involved. Even if it means learning that this ministry of reconciliation means a little grueling work.

Like an arrow from the past, pain and issues with my mom can in; using this situation to fester in an old wound. I'm not sure that my response of avoidance was the best decision, but I chose that rather than blowing up emotionally on Martha. Eventually we talked, still to this day; at least on my side things are strained. I do apologize for the lack of details on this subject; perhaps soon I can expand more on this.

During our time at the Stress Farm a guy that attended the church Henry and I visited had us come work for him. Frank VonBuren, 20 plus year veteran of the Iron Workers Union of California. Frank owned his own metal shop and a couple houses on the Big Island. A great thing that came from knowing him and his wife, Kitty, is that they ended up being kind of like another set of parents for Henry and I. Frank shared many stories of him being a licensed falconer and long time surfer. Now because we worked eight hours during the day, Caiaphas and Martha were not pleased. They had wanted us available when they wanted their schedule permitted. Now came a struggle, were the ones that I actually felt care and affection coming from the ones that I stayed with, or abandon Frank for the whims of someone else? Frank was actually quite a humble man. Whenever we would make a mistake at work, he would correct us in a way that just on the surface might seem quite harsh. Thanks to Papa though, showed me the frustration in Frank from other situations mixed with an actual care of a father that wants to teach some young guys how to live life. Thanks Frank!

Learning something from Frank actually threw me for a loop. More than just working with metal and how to share stories about falconry, this humility of his was partially passed down. Due to the use of this word now-a-days in churches I start to wonder if it is a brand name for a clothing line. In the midst of this I never would have thought that so much fun could be mixed with so much work and growth pains.

This church Frank attended was run by a guy that was a mix between Einstein in the movie I.Q. and Darth Vader. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but bear with me as I explain. This guy was super nice and super smart. He had a definite growing love for people and how he had come to know God. He is also very open at letting 'his people' express themselves however they wanted. Also the first time I met him and he spoke to me I smelled a bible school mixed with a little Jesus. So right from the start I am on guard. The next personality trait that made me wary was the fact he tried to talk to me (not with me) as if we were close family. Strike two. Last, but definitely not least, was the fact he was a 'church leader' that seemed to try and force me to one of his subordinates. Now wariness and Michael's defenses were fully active. (It looked like that certain personalities or mind sets don't get along with me well. In some ways this man was similar to Martha and Caiaphas.) All of this was in a rather sharp contrast to some old former rugby players I know in Portland, Oregon. Good or bad, you want to help me, first show me you care unconditionally and that I can trust you with my wounds; I am an open book then. Come at it with religious conviction, contracts, and lists, and you get Leavenworth Prison. Honestly not the place I would prefer to start a friendship.

Through all of our interactions together, prayer night at the Schafle's, the Grassroots Church, when Caiaphas and Martha brought him into the middle of what was going on there, when he tried to talk with me like a father or older brother, the Rebirth stuff, etc; I was trying to keep an open mind and listen to what Jesus was already talking to me about in what this man, Albert, was speaking. Not a 100% victory with getting my attitude out of the way all the time though. Usually what ended up going through my head was something along the lines of, "Who the fuck does this guy think he is anyway? What is he thinking he has the right to do or say anything to me at all? I mean, really who is he anyway?" Papa is using this to bring up some conversation pieces between Him and I. One thing is about how there is an inherent distrust within for anyone who tries to force their leadership on me. Or the fact that all people in leadership are not out to get me and take advantage of the position at my suffering...

Albert though, like everyone I come around, was an instrument to teach me. Even though issues still remain between him and I; I know that there is still a care and love inside of me for him. My life is better by what God did in me through him.

There is really so much more that I could share about, which I may do later. I will wrap up with two more people that had a huge influence on me. Amy (the driver) and a man named Shane Claiborne.

Amy, quite an amazing, unique, and beautiful gift brought into this world. Normally with me, despite being quite social it talks some people a bit of time to understand the complex world of Peace in the Battle. As a gift for some unknown reason to me, this was not completely the case with Amy. A side note, this Amy was known as M, she preferred it that way. So M has quite a story to tell through her life. One thing I would use to describe here is a lover. A lover of Papa, a lover of Jesus, a lover of His Spirit, a lover of people, and a lover everything about Him. I don't come across that many people that right out from the gate understand and have the passion I feel inside. It is very refreshing and encouraging to know in any situation that you are not alone and separated. There was also this way that we would talk that showed a mutual understanding.

Others have mentioned and still do that we connected real fast. Honestly I didn't really notice, I was just trying to be myself and that she was continuing to be overly generous. Now when I say generous, I mean it was so much that I was envious. In many situations that I watched her in, mainly with people, the generosity of love and compassion humbled me. There was many times that if I was in her shoes it would have been different, probably for the worst. It was thanks to M that I started learning Chinese. Now I am sure that she will read this, so thanks for being the beautiful person you are now! Don't stop doing what you do and being what you be. You are not alone and I have the utmost respect for you. Thanks!

Now Shane Claiborne and the reason I came back to Portland, Oregon. At Elevate, a gathering of family members on Saturday nights in Hilo, they were taking part in this national preaching about praying and oneness. For one of the messages the people at Elevate chose to show a message Shane gave at a conference in Hawai'i. The message details fail me as the message the Spirit whispered to my heart quickly invaded. Amidst the message, my emotions were being stirred over the areas of people coming together as a loving family, taking care of the people that can't care for themselves, and Portland, Oregon.

So the message went a little like this, 'Michael, the people in Portland, Corvallis, Eugene, and the Willamette Valley are your family. I put you around Paul, Ron, Todd, Kim, all the Youngs, Tyson, Skyeler, Josiah, your Dad, you Mom, your Sister, your Niece, Matt, Melanie, Nick, Gayle, Leeland, Jov, and everyone else that you know are there for a reason. I put you all together so that you would help each other and love each other. Go spend time with the poor in Portland. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, no matter how big you opponent is I AM with you. I have never left you have I? So go back to Portland and just be who I made you to be and spend time with the people I put you around.'

So Michael what did you learn in Hawaii? (plus some more)

(question from Papa)

Communication is very important. I don't like people getting close and that relationships, community, and family are tough work. Each is worth every second though. Community without Christ is a recipe for contention, drama, and fight or flight responses. Walking is good, not just for physical health, it gives time to talk with You and be at peace inside. Your love is kind always. Trust in You, Period. Desert seasons are tough, but the change is great. Ohana....... Aloha Spirit. The people in the Oregon area you put me around are part of my 'community'. Broken, youth, Your Bride changed to be Your bride is Your heart. Just because its scripture doesn't mean its You! Be content where ever; You are there!
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Fight of Da Loneliness
No more, the emptiness

Filled with light and acceptance

Still more, nightmares

Hopes and dreams abound

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Living in love, cups running over

hopelessness pushes, walls move

Dancing with Mercy, the chair is prepared

death waits, waiting, waiting

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Gems flow forth, rubies and diamonds

wounds driven deep, ever thirsty

wrath poured out down to the last

innocence prevails, reigning

candles burning brightly with the greyness of mystery. a mystery only revealed by One true and bright.

Musings from the Big Island

This thing about community, so many people talk about it, yet so few understand this thing. It is like the new catch phrase or buzzword. In a way, where people either want to be taken care of by others or they are trying to find something different from a system that is broken. But is running to or starting another system the answer? Personally, I feel more of a draw within my spirit for family. A more intimate relationship; a thing that I kind of see is that community can still happen without truly connecting with people. It is only a shadow of family, but it does allow for this relationship of openness to have an opportunity of appearing. Some 'Christians' feel this same desire as others, but I wonder if the draw isn't something deeper?
What is it about community that attracts people?... corruption relation to community?... Know thyself

This stuff of character, many attach a list, or better said, a qualification of what is good and bad and then if people aren't more good than bad, there is less value in/about them. Character is important to Papa for sure, but how valuable a person is or the love by which a person is loved has no interrelation with their character. Getting, or having, this piece in a paradigm helps to encourage a performance based mentality, or worse yet, the appearance of good character with no heart change. For a person who has a heart to honestly seek after Jesus and to have a deeper relationship, anything along these lines brings up feelings of guilt and shame, which from my limited understand, is not in His tool belt of transformation.

Some people talk about having no shame in putting a banner or such saying what church or ministry it is working with, even if it is just a group of friends getting together because God put it on their hearts. How they believe it is compromise to do anything other and it shouldn't be done. Balderdash I say!

Big thing inside recently, how we believe we can speak into each other's lives without spending time building relationship with each other.

Sitting, musing on music, the place it has in my life and maybe others. One of the first things that comes to mind is the that how music is language that breaks through language barriers. so much is done in the spiritual realm and emotionally within people and in the atmosphere. People get stories and pictures from music, music is also something that everybody in the world relates. Music has a special place with God too, some much 'spiritual' worship and healing seems to come from within, or is carried by the music. Music seems to be a carrier that blows through defenses, reaches inside, and plants seeds.

The search for purpose is in every one's heart; people long to be valued and important. The desire for recognition, affection, can companionship can be a bigger motivation for any sore of action than even ravenous hunger or insatiable thirst. There must be a deeper root, something ingrained within our DNA or even in our spirit. What might this be? Jesus? Papa? The Breath of life that proceeds from the One true Creator of this universe we live in? Personally, I am quite fond of these three.

The moral to the story is to risk openness and honesty. To risk the hurt and the wounding that might be, but also the risk that might bring depth mutual love and respect for one another. That maybe by taking this risk, we unwittingly open our hearts to a Papa that has been desiring this all along. I miss my dad, my family, and friends. That maybe some how through this process that we learn to support the people we love, not what they do, and in turn are supported for us and not what we do. Through this maybe a person can have a chance to touch on real family, not just community.

Times when people hit it on the head, we can be unable or unwilling to share at that moment due to insecurities.

Poety from the Past

Thoughts and Servitude

There I was staring at the sky

laying in the damp grass wondering why

we are moving through this life

looking for what can be our wife

searching for what can fill that hole

that seems to do nothing but flow

from those things that we flee

turn, run, fly away like a bumble bee.

Thinking about the hurts and pains

that all know inside underneath the rains

of sorrow, joy, hate, and love

and then He comes in like a dove.

The clouds flow by in wonderous shapes

pulling my mind toward the capes

of my Lord and Saviour, my Prince of Peace

how Jesus is the light and life of my niece

and how I pray that she gets a chance to see

just how wonderful He can be.

To let the whole world know that

Jesus Christ is tattooed on my heart

that my soul is in His hands

and how my life makes me a life long

servant and bonded man

whose being is dead without my

Son of Man

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Kissed By My Rose

My Rose of Sharon embrace me

holds me close, comforts me, caresses me

takes me into His bosom, wipes my tears

strokes my hair, looks me in the eyes.

Kissed by my rose

I pour out my hurts on His shoulders

I pour out my pain on His feet

My tears fall into His hands

I put my ashes on His altar

and my sorrow at His house.

Kissed by my rose

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What's Left of Me?

Here lies a shattered pot, knocked to the

ground from an act of desperation;

A desperation that cam from confusion and hurt

A hurt that was born from a wounded child,

a situation this kid had no control,

control is what is sought, but never really finding

Little does this child realize is that for control

to be established, it must be given

Given over to One that is the conquer,

One that holds all the keys

This kid is just a lost prince,

not knowing he is an heir to the Kingdom,

able to receive it all,

kept from this knowledge by one that is

Jealous

So this kid stays in pieces,

looking to be remade, over again

This kid is tired of running around

in a wheel that goes no where.

So he gathers his pieces and

goes to the King of Mercy

to get a new

POT.....

Silence Treatment

Calling out, stand up, come up, My graceful present yet just silence and denial in reply Answer Me, talk to Me, I AM here still just the quietness of an empty room Talk, yell, scream, some sort of response, let Me know you still care now that hollowness of an empty open road at midnight settles in


It is quite amazing to note this, a taste of how Jesus might feel, when we don't talk to Him. How He longs to hear from us, waiting for that phone call, that spontaneous drop-in, the lunch in the park, something; we only respond with silence, or the famous 'maybe later'. How at times when people seek for conversation, to use a new/old buzzword, community, the ones that we want to be involved are the last ones that ever respond??? How upside down we are, how upside down this world is........ The ones we want to spend time with reject us, the ones that want to spend time with us we reject, but yet scripture states that God has given us a spirit of adoption into the kingdom of light. Yet in order to work things out all parties involved have no communication, refuse to talk for one reason or another; Lord how do we change this?? How gracious of a God we serve. To constantly forgive those that misrepresent His kingdom for just a simple thing as wanting to truly change.