Memior of Hawaii: Installment 1

Disclaimer: To those who are in this story and know what is being said, at times the story may be a bit raw. I opened, to a point, what was inside and poured out. All the events in this story are real, the thoughts, action, and words area as close to what actually happened as my memory will allow; however the names have been changed, well just because I want to make up new names. Now I want to fore warn the readers, I am writing this based around events, people, and lessons. So please track with me on this as it is more about transformation than chronology.

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My trip to Hawai'i was a 'time of my life,' like someone spoke over me. Many things happened in the short four months I was there. For those looking for a steamy or even dirty romance story, an action packed life or death adventure, or even a heart wrenching low-budget human drama, this is not your story. This is just simply one man sometimes working in conjunction with his Creator and Best Friend on identity issues. STOP- Am I really going to open myself to an unknown size and grouping audience in this way? Well, I will keep on writing if you keep on reading. I still might continue writing even if you stop reading, but hey this is a blog on the internet so who really reads it anyway? It does seem easier though to write to an anonymous people, than it is to talk with a brother or sister face to face. The family member knows you, the audience does not. Selah...

My first day on the island was such a foreshadow of my whole trip. Upon landing in Hilo, the smells and feel of the place immediately drew me in. Many times people told me it would be hot and extremely humid, borderline mental institution in its unbearableness. Far from the case. If anyone gets the chance to go the Big Island, GO! All went fairly well de-boarding with my two travel companions and me. That is until our ride from our soon to be new friend Amy arrived. Four people, 13 pieces of luggage in various shapes and sizes, and all our egos had to fit in a two door commuter car, somewhere on top of the music equipment Amy kept in her car. A logistical nightmare even an Army Supply Sergeant would not want to touch. Needless to say, I ended up in the back crammed and boxed in (no movement at all) while Henry drove the car clown style. This half-hour ride of humor while in pain was just the beginning.

Arriving at our living quarters for the next couple of months, Henry and I started to settle in with our friend and new roommate Taylor. This place we would soon learn was a jungle of Purifying Fire and we were sleeping in the coals of confrontation. Things were okay at the beginning, but this growing agitation was building inside of me. There was no understanding of where this was coming from and this was a key ingredient in the storms to come.

We got along well playing games, talking a lot, and even becoming close friends. Playing this tile game from Germany by candle light is left as a fond memory. Slowly just the voice of Henry kept irritating an already agitated person. I think the first explosion came after two weeks. Through it the entire one thing I always told Henry, "That no matter what, we have to not stop talking to each other. Even if we hate each other at that moment." Surprisingly to me this became the key for this section of the journey.

Communication. So important yet so not used. I am not sure that this is intended by most people, the lack of use. It seems more likely that for the most part that it is a mix of the example we are provided from our parents, the experiences we have learned from, and our relationship with Jesus that guide our choices in communicating. Communication is one of those things that is vitally important in any interaction with other living creations and is rooted in trust. Too many times a lack of communication is due either to mistrust in another person or mistrust in the person reading this story. Which brings us to an interesting relationship, we must communicate in order to relationship which in turn builds trust in one another; then we are more open with our communication with those we trust. At some point one person takes the step of faith to open themselves in this way and the chance of being hurt in exchange for the chance of being friends. That is unless I am the only person that gets this interaction.

So Henry and I through our two months would sometimes be at each other's throat, with me usually being more aggressive; then turn around and be like a modern day Odd Couple. Unlike them though, we had a third Taylor. Now, I have lived by myself, had multiple roommates, but I have not had to share a room with anyone since mid elementary school. This would prove to be one of the most if not the biggest test of mine on this trip. Having no personal space whatsoever, no secrets, no place to hide and run away, and no place to think without someone else face to face with you. Is this what it is like with Jesus?

Henry, Taylor, and I, the three most unlikely people to share a room with, yet here we were together. It was almost like someone that really cared for us had put us together because He knew that our interaction would be the pruning shears we needed. Before long we were all feeling the pinch of lack of space. Myself, I had been feeling the irritation and I was having trouble restraining my emotions. When I spoke up it was usually sharper than I wanted, but all my years of self-control were waning. My heart was making its transition from the security vault inside to my sleeve. It wasn't long before going to sleep we would share how the others had hurt us and made us feel. About that time Taylor became an invisible roommate to us.

For about three weeks Henry and I saw Taylor about three or four times. Two of those were times where we could actually talk. Now just before this all started happening the three of us came to an agreement, no matter how it looks or what happened we would not give up on each other. With Taylor M.I.A. most of the time, a feeling of betrayal was setting in to Henry and I. I mean what an effin hypocrite, not mention with Taylor's choice my emotional reaction was not good for our brotherhood. He got not into the category of, "When the going gets tough, he gets going. Just like everyone who has ever abandoned me." Not very healthy for our friendship but there it was.

It all culminated in one incident. My mom and I have been slowly rebuilding trust in our relationship. She called one day to give me her new phone number. Taylor neglected to tell me of this for almost two weeks. This delay was in addition to never receiving any message when people would try to get a hold of me. This was a knife to the kidneys from the back. All the trust that had been built between us now gone.

Trust for me, is hard to re-earn. Once betayed I struggle with ever trusting in the same way again. That is an area Jesus is still working in me. I am not sure how well you, as the reader, can relate, but trust is a difficult issue for me. It scares me to trust and be trusted. It looks like trust and faith are so interconnected that they are two sides of the same coin.

Faith. Taught by some that is a power used to bring about an affect. Recently for myself when reading about it through Scripture replacing the word faith with the word trust. Trust is at the core of just about every decision why would faith be any different. To have faith could be said that believing in something so much that it comes to pass. How else would we believe a thing like this unless somehow it had been proving to be unfailing? So with people and Jesus alike, when they say, "Let me show you that I am trustworthy. I do this because I love you very much." Trust, from what I observe, is built with time together and a consistency in our character. Faith and trust could be looked as two lovers sleeping in bed together, content. That almost sounds like a plot synopsis for a movie.

So, I was pretty pissed at Taylor for a few days after I found out about him not giving me the message from my mom. The next time I saw him face to face, I asked him about it. When it got confirmed the word "asshole" came out of my mouth and it was clearly shot at him. Henry was the witness. The whole time I kept talking with Papa about the situation and wanting to forgive, but kept being pissed. It hurt. I had taken the chance to share with a friend, brother, and once again got stabbed in a sore spot. Unlike all the other times through, I just wanted it gone rather than wallowing in the pain. Family means a lot to me, they can be the ones to hurt the most. About two weeks later, maybe less the time lines are a little blurry in spots, I finally had a chance to pull him aside and talk. It just came out that what happened hurt and I was tired of being pissed off. Forgiveness had won the day. Trust was lost though, but maybe thanks to forgiveness one day it will be back.

A little about the place we stayed now. Cosmetically it was an office in the middle of what was a rundown flower farm. No running water, no electricity, next to no contact to the outside world when we were on the Stress Farm. I call it this because since about day one of the trip there was a low, but rising level of stress in the atmosphere. This was mainly due to a lack of communication in letting the owners, Caiaphas and Martha, know of Henry's and mine arrival. They were made aware of it before we actually arrived, but maybe only about 24 hours though. For some reason we never completely recovered from this action. It was like that one miscommunication would define our relationship Henry, Taylor, and I would have with Martha and Caiaphas.

Things went fairly smooth the first the first couple weeks. We set up a deal of work trade for housing. 12 hours a week was all they asked. We were up to date until the Rebirth festival. After we got back something hit us. We all were exhausted and done working. This lasted for about one week. The very next week after that Henry and I followed Taylor around when he left the Farm. Many reasons or excuses were there, but nonetheless three people were now 24 hours behind on work. Tension rose yet again. This is where Martha and Caiaphas become a bit of regulars around the Farm.

Martha and Caiaphas were definitely people that were growing in their relationship with the man named Jesus. Being a christian and moving in an ever growing relationship with Jesus does not mean, always, that in a very short time span a close bonding is made between people. Relationship is a four letter word for sure! Work. Interacting with these two was one of the most painful reminders I have ever had. About the time Taylor decided to be separated from Henry and myself, Caiaphas and Martha went from being indifferent nice to outright demanding. Now, I can understand their feelings on the matter.

They felt taken advantage of, which in the same situation I might deal with the same emotions. It looked as if we were either not staying up to date or was not up to the quality of work they expected. This was their point of view. In my mind was just a simple thought, "I want to do the best I can with what I got." I in no way want to place blame anywhere; I have learned in my limited experience that a situation like this has resulted as of a breakdown somewhere on both sides. Best thing at this point, initiate to the best of my ability reconciliation. In relationships it will not always be smooth and clear. Sometimes it’s rocky, becomes solid rock, and maybe even gets chilled over. In no way do I regret what happened, Papa uses it to shape all parties involved. Even if it means learning that this ministry of reconciliation means a little grueling work.

Like an arrow from the past, pain and issues with my mom can in; using this situation to fester in an old wound. I'm not sure that my response of avoidance was the best decision, but I chose that rather than blowing up emotionally on Martha. Eventually we talked, still to this day; at least on my side things are strained. I do apologize for the lack of details on this subject; perhaps soon I can expand more on this.

During our time at the Stress Farm a guy that attended the church Henry and I visited had us come work for him. Frank VonBuren, 20 plus year veteran of the Iron Workers Union of California. Frank owned his own metal shop and a couple houses on the Big Island. A great thing that came from knowing him and his wife, Kitty, is that they ended up being kind of like another set of parents for Henry and I. Frank shared many stories of him being a licensed falconer and long time surfer. Now because we worked eight hours during the day, Caiaphas and Martha were not pleased. They had wanted us available when they wanted their schedule permitted. Now came a struggle, were the ones that I actually felt care and affection coming from the ones that I stayed with, or abandon Frank for the whims of someone else? Frank was actually quite a humble man. Whenever we would make a mistake at work, he would correct us in a way that just on the surface might seem quite harsh. Thanks to Papa though, showed me the frustration in Frank from other situations mixed with an actual care of a father that wants to teach some young guys how to live life. Thanks Frank!

Learning something from Frank actually threw me for a loop. More than just working with metal and how to share stories about falconry, this humility of his was partially passed down. Due to the use of this word now-a-days in churches I start to wonder if it is a brand name for a clothing line. In the midst of this I never would have thought that so much fun could be mixed with so much work and growth pains.

This church Frank attended was run by a guy that was a mix between Einstein in the movie I.Q. and Darth Vader. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but bear with me as I explain. This guy was super nice and super smart. He had a definite growing love for people and how he had come to know God. He is also very open at letting 'his people' express themselves however they wanted. Also the first time I met him and he spoke to me I smelled a bible school mixed with a little Jesus. So right from the start I am on guard. The next personality trait that made me wary was the fact he tried to talk to me (not with me) as if we were close family. Strike two. Last, but definitely not least, was the fact he was a 'church leader' that seemed to try and force me to one of his subordinates. Now wariness and Michael's defenses were fully active. (It looked like that certain personalities or mind sets don't get along with me well. In some ways this man was similar to Martha and Caiaphas.) All of this was in a rather sharp contrast to some old former rugby players I know in Portland, Oregon. Good or bad, you want to help me, first show me you care unconditionally and that I can trust you with my wounds; I am an open book then. Come at it with religious conviction, contracts, and lists, and you get Leavenworth Prison. Honestly not the place I would prefer to start a friendship.

Through all of our interactions together, prayer night at the Schafle's, the Grassroots Church, when Caiaphas and Martha brought him into the middle of what was going on there, when he tried to talk with me like a father or older brother, the Rebirth stuff, etc; I was trying to keep an open mind and listen to what Jesus was already talking to me about in what this man, Albert, was speaking. Not a 100% victory with getting my attitude out of the way all the time though. Usually what ended up going through my head was something along the lines of, "Who the fuck does this guy think he is anyway? What is he thinking he has the right to do or say anything to me at all? I mean, really who is he anyway?" Papa is using this to bring up some conversation pieces between Him and I. One thing is about how there is an inherent distrust within for anyone who tries to force their leadership on me. Or the fact that all people in leadership are not out to get me and take advantage of the position at my suffering...

Albert though, like everyone I come around, was an instrument to teach me. Even though issues still remain between him and I; I know that there is still a care and love inside of me for him. My life is better by what God did in me through him.

There is really so much more that I could share about, which I may do later. I will wrap up with two more people that had a huge influence on me. Amy (the driver) and a man named Shane Claiborne.

Amy, quite an amazing, unique, and beautiful gift brought into this world. Normally with me, despite being quite social it talks some people a bit of time to understand the complex world of Peace in the Battle. As a gift for some unknown reason to me, this was not completely the case with Amy. A side note, this Amy was known as M, she preferred it that way. So M has quite a story to tell through her life. One thing I would use to describe here is a lover. A lover of Papa, a lover of Jesus, a lover of His Spirit, a lover of people, and a lover everything about Him. I don't come across that many people that right out from the gate understand and have the passion I feel inside. It is very refreshing and encouraging to know in any situation that you are not alone and separated. There was also this way that we would talk that showed a mutual understanding.

Others have mentioned and still do that we connected real fast. Honestly I didn't really notice, I was just trying to be myself and that she was continuing to be overly generous. Now when I say generous, I mean it was so much that I was envious. In many situations that I watched her in, mainly with people, the generosity of love and compassion humbled me. There was many times that if I was in her shoes it would have been different, probably for the worst. It was thanks to M that I started learning Chinese. Now I am sure that she will read this, so thanks for being the beautiful person you are now! Don't stop doing what you do and being what you be. You are not alone and I have the utmost respect for you. Thanks!

Now Shane Claiborne and the reason I came back to Portland, Oregon. At Elevate, a gathering of family members on Saturday nights in Hilo, they were taking part in this national preaching about praying and oneness. For one of the messages the people at Elevate chose to show a message Shane gave at a conference in Hawai'i. The message details fail me as the message the Spirit whispered to my heart quickly invaded. Amidst the message, my emotions were being stirred over the areas of people coming together as a loving family, taking care of the people that can't care for themselves, and Portland, Oregon.

So the message went a little like this, 'Michael, the people in Portland, Corvallis, Eugene, and the Willamette Valley are your family. I put you around Paul, Ron, Todd, Kim, all the Youngs, Tyson, Skyeler, Josiah, your Dad, you Mom, your Sister, your Niece, Matt, Melanie, Nick, Gayle, Leeland, Jov, and everyone else that you know are there for a reason. I put you all together so that you would help each other and love each other. Go spend time with the poor in Portland. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, no matter how big you opponent is I AM with you. I have never left you have I? So go back to Portland and just be who I made you to be and spend time with the people I put you around.'