Chaos Abounds

Everything is spinning out of control, no sense of direction
  He only whispers Relax
Fortune frowns on one soul today, the days stretch into weeks
  The whisper is I am here
Resources running thin, no stability in sight. Things always changing, no daylight
  Trust yet remains, however thin it may be
Lost, vunerable, wounded, and confused; these are the colors of the changing season
  The whisper, You are Mine


What to do, where to turn?
           do I run? Hide? Fight? or sink




Darkness were is your release?

New Phase: A Waxing Life

The turbulence of drama and others' bad decisions leads me to betterment for myself. And sometimes it gets started when you wake up one morning finding out that a person you lived with, flipped their attitude over in a moment and started aggressively asking you to leave. Stating they had legal right to kick you out in less than 24 hours, to move your stuff, and to lock you out. Sounds like an introduction to either an anger driven drama or the possibility of a murder mystery. Thankfully it was more of the first, well out of those two choices thankfully, but in the middle of all of this a response of mine to this guy was, "If you wanted me to go you could have just asked, but since you want to pursue it the legal way, make sure you do it completely by ORS 90." I doubt that will happen. The reason given for this kind of treatment, "I'm protecting my credit score." I did tell this guy that I would be unable to pay my portion of the rent until the 15th. This 'friend' then promptly tries to kick me out and states, "Go be homeless and have a happy life." No this guy shouts that he is a christian, wasn't it this kind of treatment that cause Ghandi to say, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christian are so unlike your Christ."?


This guy made his choice, showed what was inside himself, and now he will have his harvest of the seeds he had sown. His choice was not a reflection of the Christ living within him or how it has affected his life. The only thing, even more so as I reflect upon his personality, that is shown in this former friend is the fact that outward appearances is what drives his interaction with people. A white-washed tomb. Grace bombs fall. No blame is inside of me toward the community that also wears that label or the man it speaks of. Sometimes others put me into this community of Christians, I just enjoy hanging out with the man Jesus.


This may seem a little disjointed, but that is because my mind is still reeling and whirling. This is just another step in showing what it would take within a small, family group to maintain a peace. The initial reaction would be to create rules to follow and have a severe punishment if they weren't followed. Does this really bring about an inward change and make every action a work of love? Typically not. So what would then? Possibly creating a time, a place, or something like there were people can speak their mind freely, let the feelings out; then as a family discuss how it can be rememdied and then together work it out.


To end this short update, this guy who's name is Greg Bennett, is someone who's pride keeps pulling him deeper into hell and slaps away any hand extended to help. Only Jesus can reach him now, this man has rejected his agents.


(At least from my experience)


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.- Mahatma Ghandi

Songs of the Moment

For Everyone Like Me- TFK

I've got a lot going on inside
Don't know if I can work things out this time
Need a little space to clear my mind
But I'll be fine

Don't slip, it's not always this cold
I'm tired of acting like I know
Am I searching for the answers
No one knows

And I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

Wait
It might not be too late
To avoid the tension we create
How about I turn and walk away?
No matter what you say

Its not a combination
I've tried to figure you out
I'm looking for the confirmation
So I can turn this around

And I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

Every time I turn around
You're looking for attention
You've taken all the things I've said and
Throw them away
Drank them away
Every time you show up late
You're looking for forgiveness

I must confess
Before I take another step
That

This song's for anyone whoever took a chance,
Who started at the bottom to get to the top,
And no matter what you face in this life,
You gotta know what you're up against,
In order to fight back

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
Can you identify with me?
This song's for everyone like you
Come and ride with me
We will not back down

This song's for everyone like me
Everyone not afraid to stand alone
And lonely
And lonely 

My Wish- Rascall Flatts

 I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
yeah this is my wish o0o0o0o0o0o0
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big

Eye of the Tiger- Survivor

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...

Cruisin' Together- Huey Lewis and Gwenth Paltrow

Baby let's cruise
Away from here
Don't be confused
The way is clear

And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby

Yeah so,
Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby tonight
Belongs to us
Everything's right
Do what you might
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
To every little part of each other
Oh, baby, yeah

So let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me, baby
Oooooohhh yeah
Oooooohhh (ooh, ooh)
Oooh baby let's cruise
Let's float
Let's glide
Ooh let's open love
And go inside

And if you want it, you got it forever
I could just stay here beside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find
You're gunna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when
I love it
I love it
I love it

(Oh)
(Cruise with me, baby)
(I love it when we're cruisin' together)

Writing toward Freedom

It has been awhile since any post has been done and a lot has happened over the past few months. I am not really sure what to say as a lot has happened and a part of me is still afraid to share. Still afraid cause it gets proven time and time again that when I open up, people use that vulnerablity to cause harm. It makes me guarded on being open and honest, but I promise you I will do my best.

Since July, I have moved to Tualatin. This move allowed me to be closer to work and meet some very interesting people. At first, it was a place that felt like hom and a sense of peace was around there. The guy that asked me to move in was very friendly and we all started having a sense of community. We talked, laughed, spent time together, and just enjoyed one another's presence. A hint maybe of what it is like with real family, real church. This was giving me hope that a real loving family was possible, a real chance at the loving community I know God wants for us all. Having a chance to see it in action, in combination with what I experienced from some 'old guys' that I really respect I knew to be Papa proving himself to me. (Thanks again) For awhile I forgot what pride and selfishness did to relationships.

Its September now and things have changed. Bickering is hidden in people's hearts and that sense of peace is left. I sense that people are walking on egg shells, trying to set people off. This cause my flee reaction, I isolate myself from the drama and just 'turtle up'. The sense of entitlement is swimming through the air like a shark in the ocean. It takes all my strength just to maintain my composure sometimes. This mixed with the fear of having to move again is more of a recipe for chaos in mine own little world, swirling around some peace that maintains itself inside. How can that be? Peace amongst strife and chaos. Must be the work of Jesus. I really haven't shared this with any of my roommates. Sure, I can lay out plenty of excuses, but in the end that is exactly what they are. Excuses.

Recently, one of my roommates was coming across as if I had hurt them and proven myself to be untrustworthy. I asked this person if I had ever proven myself to be that way, they said no. Now that left me with a feeling of being taken advantage of and betrayed, how did deserve such treatment for trying to do what was right and being helpful? I wonder if this same thought went through the mind of Jesus when he saw Judas coming to meet him at the Garden? So I chat with a confidant of mine and a response comes out that made me laugh.

"Welcome to my team brother; only the finest of people are here! - Jesus"
:D. In my thoughts exactly

Now I wonder, how did he ever handle all the pain that people lay out on each other?

I also got a promotion from were I work. I now am the highest level of technical support for the project that I am working on. A lot more responsibility and a lot more procedural knowledge is needed. Its nice cause my brain stays engaged and it is building my resume. I know this company is not my 'career' path, but it is for the moment the provision being given. This company are my ravens. Many days I leave this place with thoughts and cries simliar to Davids, the king of Israel so long ago.

Why do the wicked prevail and the righteous suffer? Is constant harrassment and persecution the only thing that I will see? Is not walking with the only intention of being with Papa enough? Yet the world and people pull so much in so many directions, trying to blind and confuse me from remember this one thing. He is enough.

In this all the one thing that I am learning, its really hard too, is to trust. Trust and to stop taking things so personal. The burden is carried by Christ and he decides what he shares with me. If he doesn't gift with a burden, then I am just free to hang out and be myself.

I want to end this with a question. Take some time to pray about it before and answer is given.

If you and Jesus were to pray for me over the topic of burdens, what would it be?

Extra credit: If you and Jesus were to pray for you over the topic of burdens, what would it be?





All of this got started when I watched Freedom Writers today. Great movie. Watch it. Write about your life, you have a story to tell and no one should fade as a nameless, faceless number into the white pages and black text of history. If you want share your story with me, the least I can do is offer an ear when no one else will.

Peace be unto you

Paper thin Mind of Me

A quick update:

Currently I am working on two blogs, one is on a comparison of mostly Eastern American Indian religion with Christianity and another about why I haven't been visiting a church building as much.

Also my mind feels very paper thin. Like I have been in an intense fight for so long that the body and mind just give up doing anything. I liken it to zombie mode or becoming life's marionette. I am just leaning on the trust that my puppet master is as good and loving as he says he is and has shown himself to be. Part of me just wants to push the pause button on life and go make a sandwich, pour a nice cold coke, eat a cookie, and just stare out the window at the clouds for a bit. If this were possible though, would I or anyone really come back and hit play?

Writing a book on martial arts is still working around inside me. Recently I have been reading about Jet Li talking about his call into Buddhism and seeing what he says. There is a lot of the words I agree with and some I don't. Either way it is quite enlightening to see how some martial artists work their own religion or philosophy into life. I guess that it just goes to show that no matter how fit a person is or is not, something inside draws deeper and more out there to find out the things beyond this world and ourselves. He also mentions that the person that is the most healthy and fit is the one that has both a spiritual and physical fitness. One with out the other would be out of balance. My question is this, what is the third element? Some talk about everything being in twos, but I also see that with the twos there is a hidden third. What is the third in the equation of religion and physical fitness together? The person involved......

Future and the thoughts that Surround

People have been asking me, what do I want out of life, what do I see myself doing in the future, what is that you want to do?

Thinking about that I have had a few things in mind. Many things go through my mind as I know with Jesus at my side, anything is possible. He makes the way and gives the desires anyway. :D Before I go off on a rant about the future and how sometimes the downfall of our future is the very thoughts we make towards it. I will spare all the readers that till later, I will start with what my thoughts truly are about what I would like in my future.

Writing: A few people mention that I seem to have a gift for writing and I do enjoy it. Currently I am looking for little ways to keep that going and see it I can make some money at it. This blog for example, also trying to write a book or two, and checking craigslist for any possibility that may appear. 

Technology: A couple opportunities have opened up with a co-worker of mine. On one hand we are working together on making apps for the iPhone. The second is to get certified as an Apple Technician and start our own Apple repair business. Both would be nice and quite profitable.

Utimately: My main dreams about the future would be to be a dad and a husband. This one thing is what seems like is the calling from Papa. This, also in my opinion, is the highest calling in Jesus follower can have. To be married and have children. That takes a relationship of deep trust between a person and Jesus to be His follower and helped to spread that with the ones closeset to you. God help me!

Otherwise: School sometimes makes its way into my thoughts. Psychology and Social Services is were my tendencies go. Maybe counselling. Who knows, but for the most part I try to just take it a day at a time and be okay with what God brings along.

Live in Peace and Rest

My Power Animal

I had a conversation with someone at one point a few months ago. They asked me what my power animal was. My response, A Lamb. here is why

Power Animal: Lamb

Wisdom of the Lamb: 

* Utter Dependent on its shepherd

* Can recognize its shepherd voice

* Gentle and easy prey for wolves

* Content to be in the field under its shepherd's watch

* Happy in it's shepherd's arms

The lamb is a creature that is happy and content with its life. Living it's days in peace and and trust, leaning completely on the shepherd of its pasture. The lamb as a power animal would help a person learn to just see life for the gift that it is, live one day at a time, and create a longing to always be with its shepherd. Being held and tended is a lamb's dream and beckons to its shepherd voice. Many of life's trials and storms get weathered by the lamb; either they just keep on doing what they do or run to the shepherd for his protection. The shepherd's love for his lamb is unbalanced and overwhelming. The lamb did nothing to earn this, it is just simply receiving the affection the shepherd wants to give.

Memior of Hawaii: Installment 1

Disclaimer: To those who are in this story and know what is being said, at times the story may be a bit raw. I opened, to a point, what was inside and poured out. All the events in this story are real, the thoughts, action, and words area as close to what actually happened as my memory will allow; however the names have been changed, well just because I want to make up new names. Now I want to fore warn the readers, I am writing this based around events, people, and lessons. So please track with me on this as it is more about transformation than chronology.

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My trip to Hawai'i was a 'time of my life,' like someone spoke over me. Many things happened in the short four months I was there. For those looking for a steamy or even dirty romance story, an action packed life or death adventure, or even a heart wrenching low-budget human drama, this is not your story. This is just simply one man sometimes working in conjunction with his Creator and Best Friend on identity issues. STOP- Am I really going to open myself to an unknown size and grouping audience in this way? Well, I will keep on writing if you keep on reading. I still might continue writing even if you stop reading, but hey this is a blog on the internet so who really reads it anyway? It does seem easier though to write to an anonymous people, than it is to talk with a brother or sister face to face. The family member knows you, the audience does not. Selah...

My first day on the island was such a foreshadow of my whole trip. Upon landing in Hilo, the smells and feel of the place immediately drew me in. Many times people told me it would be hot and extremely humid, borderline mental institution in its unbearableness. Far from the case. If anyone gets the chance to go the Big Island, GO! All went fairly well de-boarding with my two travel companions and me. That is until our ride from our soon to be new friend Amy arrived. Four people, 13 pieces of luggage in various shapes and sizes, and all our egos had to fit in a two door commuter car, somewhere on top of the music equipment Amy kept in her car. A logistical nightmare even an Army Supply Sergeant would not want to touch. Needless to say, I ended up in the back crammed and boxed in (no movement at all) while Henry drove the car clown style. This half-hour ride of humor while in pain was just the beginning.

Arriving at our living quarters for the next couple of months, Henry and I started to settle in with our friend and new roommate Taylor. This place we would soon learn was a jungle of Purifying Fire and we were sleeping in the coals of confrontation. Things were okay at the beginning, but this growing agitation was building inside of me. There was no understanding of where this was coming from and this was a key ingredient in the storms to come.

We got along well playing games, talking a lot, and even becoming close friends. Playing this tile game from Germany by candle light is left as a fond memory. Slowly just the voice of Henry kept irritating an already agitated person. I think the first explosion came after two weeks. Through it the entire one thing I always told Henry, "That no matter what, we have to not stop talking to each other. Even if we hate each other at that moment." Surprisingly to me this became the key for this section of the journey.

Communication. So important yet so not used. I am not sure that this is intended by most people, the lack of use. It seems more likely that for the most part that it is a mix of the example we are provided from our parents, the experiences we have learned from, and our relationship with Jesus that guide our choices in communicating. Communication is one of those things that is vitally important in any interaction with other living creations and is rooted in trust. Too many times a lack of communication is due either to mistrust in another person or mistrust in the person reading this story. Which brings us to an interesting relationship, we must communicate in order to relationship which in turn builds trust in one another; then we are more open with our communication with those we trust. At some point one person takes the step of faith to open themselves in this way and the chance of being hurt in exchange for the chance of being friends. That is unless I am the only person that gets this interaction.

So Henry and I through our two months would sometimes be at each other's throat, with me usually being more aggressive; then turn around and be like a modern day Odd Couple. Unlike them though, we had a third Taylor. Now, I have lived by myself, had multiple roommates, but I have not had to share a room with anyone since mid elementary school. This would prove to be one of the most if not the biggest test of mine on this trip. Having no personal space whatsoever, no secrets, no place to hide and run away, and no place to think without someone else face to face with you. Is this what it is like with Jesus?

Henry, Taylor, and I, the three most unlikely people to share a room with, yet here we were together. It was almost like someone that really cared for us had put us together because He knew that our interaction would be the pruning shears we needed. Before long we were all feeling the pinch of lack of space. Myself, I had been feeling the irritation and I was having trouble restraining my emotions. When I spoke up it was usually sharper than I wanted, but all my years of self-control were waning. My heart was making its transition from the security vault inside to my sleeve. It wasn't long before going to sleep we would share how the others had hurt us and made us feel. About that time Taylor became an invisible roommate to us.

For about three weeks Henry and I saw Taylor about three or four times. Two of those were times where we could actually talk. Now just before this all started happening the three of us came to an agreement, no matter how it looks or what happened we would not give up on each other. With Taylor M.I.A. most of the time, a feeling of betrayal was setting in to Henry and I. I mean what an effin hypocrite, not mention with Taylor's choice my emotional reaction was not good for our brotherhood. He got not into the category of, "When the going gets tough, he gets going. Just like everyone who has ever abandoned me." Not very healthy for our friendship but there it was.

It all culminated in one incident. My mom and I have been slowly rebuilding trust in our relationship. She called one day to give me her new phone number. Taylor neglected to tell me of this for almost two weeks. This delay was in addition to never receiving any message when people would try to get a hold of me. This was a knife to the kidneys from the back. All the trust that had been built between us now gone.

Trust for me, is hard to re-earn. Once betayed I struggle with ever trusting in the same way again. That is an area Jesus is still working in me. I am not sure how well you, as the reader, can relate, but trust is a difficult issue for me. It scares me to trust and be trusted. It looks like trust and faith are so interconnected that they are two sides of the same coin.

Faith. Taught by some that is a power used to bring about an affect. Recently for myself when reading about it through Scripture replacing the word faith with the word trust. Trust is at the core of just about every decision why would faith be any different. To have faith could be said that believing in something so much that it comes to pass. How else would we believe a thing like this unless somehow it had been proving to be unfailing? So with people and Jesus alike, when they say, "Let me show you that I am trustworthy. I do this because I love you very much." Trust, from what I observe, is built with time together and a consistency in our character. Faith and trust could be looked as two lovers sleeping in bed together, content. That almost sounds like a plot synopsis for a movie.

So, I was pretty pissed at Taylor for a few days after I found out about him not giving me the message from my mom. The next time I saw him face to face, I asked him about it. When it got confirmed the word "asshole" came out of my mouth and it was clearly shot at him. Henry was the witness. The whole time I kept talking with Papa about the situation and wanting to forgive, but kept being pissed. It hurt. I had taken the chance to share with a friend, brother, and once again got stabbed in a sore spot. Unlike all the other times through, I just wanted it gone rather than wallowing in the pain. Family means a lot to me, they can be the ones to hurt the most. About two weeks later, maybe less the time lines are a little blurry in spots, I finally had a chance to pull him aside and talk. It just came out that what happened hurt and I was tired of being pissed off. Forgiveness had won the day. Trust was lost though, but maybe thanks to forgiveness one day it will be back.

A little about the place we stayed now. Cosmetically it was an office in the middle of what was a rundown flower farm. No running water, no electricity, next to no contact to the outside world when we were on the Stress Farm. I call it this because since about day one of the trip there was a low, but rising level of stress in the atmosphere. This was mainly due to a lack of communication in letting the owners, Caiaphas and Martha, know of Henry's and mine arrival. They were made aware of it before we actually arrived, but maybe only about 24 hours though. For some reason we never completely recovered from this action. It was like that one miscommunication would define our relationship Henry, Taylor, and I would have with Martha and Caiaphas.

Things went fairly smooth the first the first couple weeks. We set up a deal of work trade for housing. 12 hours a week was all they asked. We were up to date until the Rebirth festival. After we got back something hit us. We all were exhausted and done working. This lasted for about one week. The very next week after that Henry and I followed Taylor around when he left the Farm. Many reasons or excuses were there, but nonetheless three people were now 24 hours behind on work. Tension rose yet again. This is where Martha and Caiaphas become a bit of regulars around the Farm.

Martha and Caiaphas were definitely people that were growing in their relationship with the man named Jesus. Being a christian and moving in an ever growing relationship with Jesus does not mean, always, that in a very short time span a close bonding is made between people. Relationship is a four letter word for sure! Work. Interacting with these two was one of the most painful reminders I have ever had. About the time Taylor decided to be separated from Henry and myself, Caiaphas and Martha went from being indifferent nice to outright demanding. Now, I can understand their feelings on the matter.

They felt taken advantage of, which in the same situation I might deal with the same emotions. It looked as if we were either not staying up to date or was not up to the quality of work they expected. This was their point of view. In my mind was just a simple thought, "I want to do the best I can with what I got." I in no way want to place blame anywhere; I have learned in my limited experience that a situation like this has resulted as of a breakdown somewhere on both sides. Best thing at this point, initiate to the best of my ability reconciliation. In relationships it will not always be smooth and clear. Sometimes it’s rocky, becomes solid rock, and maybe even gets chilled over. In no way do I regret what happened, Papa uses it to shape all parties involved. Even if it means learning that this ministry of reconciliation means a little grueling work.

Like an arrow from the past, pain and issues with my mom can in; using this situation to fester in an old wound. I'm not sure that my response of avoidance was the best decision, but I chose that rather than blowing up emotionally on Martha. Eventually we talked, still to this day; at least on my side things are strained. I do apologize for the lack of details on this subject; perhaps soon I can expand more on this.

During our time at the Stress Farm a guy that attended the church Henry and I visited had us come work for him. Frank VonBuren, 20 plus year veteran of the Iron Workers Union of California. Frank owned his own metal shop and a couple houses on the Big Island. A great thing that came from knowing him and his wife, Kitty, is that they ended up being kind of like another set of parents for Henry and I. Frank shared many stories of him being a licensed falconer and long time surfer. Now because we worked eight hours during the day, Caiaphas and Martha were not pleased. They had wanted us available when they wanted their schedule permitted. Now came a struggle, were the ones that I actually felt care and affection coming from the ones that I stayed with, or abandon Frank for the whims of someone else? Frank was actually quite a humble man. Whenever we would make a mistake at work, he would correct us in a way that just on the surface might seem quite harsh. Thanks to Papa though, showed me the frustration in Frank from other situations mixed with an actual care of a father that wants to teach some young guys how to live life. Thanks Frank!

Learning something from Frank actually threw me for a loop. More than just working with metal and how to share stories about falconry, this humility of his was partially passed down. Due to the use of this word now-a-days in churches I start to wonder if it is a brand name for a clothing line. In the midst of this I never would have thought that so much fun could be mixed with so much work and growth pains.

This church Frank attended was run by a guy that was a mix between Einstein in the movie I.Q. and Darth Vader. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but bear with me as I explain. This guy was super nice and super smart. He had a definite growing love for people and how he had come to know God. He is also very open at letting 'his people' express themselves however they wanted. Also the first time I met him and he spoke to me I smelled a bible school mixed with a little Jesus. So right from the start I am on guard. The next personality trait that made me wary was the fact he tried to talk to me (not with me) as if we were close family. Strike two. Last, but definitely not least, was the fact he was a 'church leader' that seemed to try and force me to one of his subordinates. Now wariness and Michael's defenses were fully active. (It looked like that certain personalities or mind sets don't get along with me well. In some ways this man was similar to Martha and Caiaphas.) All of this was in a rather sharp contrast to some old former rugby players I know in Portland, Oregon. Good or bad, you want to help me, first show me you care unconditionally and that I can trust you with my wounds; I am an open book then. Come at it with religious conviction, contracts, and lists, and you get Leavenworth Prison. Honestly not the place I would prefer to start a friendship.

Through all of our interactions together, prayer night at the Schafle's, the Grassroots Church, when Caiaphas and Martha brought him into the middle of what was going on there, when he tried to talk with me like a father or older brother, the Rebirth stuff, etc; I was trying to keep an open mind and listen to what Jesus was already talking to me about in what this man, Albert, was speaking. Not a 100% victory with getting my attitude out of the way all the time though. Usually what ended up going through my head was something along the lines of, "Who the fuck does this guy think he is anyway? What is he thinking he has the right to do or say anything to me at all? I mean, really who is he anyway?" Papa is using this to bring up some conversation pieces between Him and I. One thing is about how there is an inherent distrust within for anyone who tries to force their leadership on me. Or the fact that all people in leadership are not out to get me and take advantage of the position at my suffering...

Albert though, like everyone I come around, was an instrument to teach me. Even though issues still remain between him and I; I know that there is still a care and love inside of me for him. My life is better by what God did in me through him.

There is really so much more that I could share about, which I may do later. I will wrap up with two more people that had a huge influence on me. Amy (the driver) and a man named Shane Claiborne.

Amy, quite an amazing, unique, and beautiful gift brought into this world. Normally with me, despite being quite social it talks some people a bit of time to understand the complex world of Peace in the Battle. As a gift for some unknown reason to me, this was not completely the case with Amy. A side note, this Amy was known as M, she preferred it that way. So M has quite a story to tell through her life. One thing I would use to describe here is a lover. A lover of Papa, a lover of Jesus, a lover of His Spirit, a lover of people, and a lover everything about Him. I don't come across that many people that right out from the gate understand and have the passion I feel inside. It is very refreshing and encouraging to know in any situation that you are not alone and separated. There was also this way that we would talk that showed a mutual understanding.

Others have mentioned and still do that we connected real fast. Honestly I didn't really notice, I was just trying to be myself and that she was continuing to be overly generous. Now when I say generous, I mean it was so much that I was envious. In many situations that I watched her in, mainly with people, the generosity of love and compassion humbled me. There was many times that if I was in her shoes it would have been different, probably for the worst. It was thanks to M that I started learning Chinese. Now I am sure that she will read this, so thanks for being the beautiful person you are now! Don't stop doing what you do and being what you be. You are not alone and I have the utmost respect for you. Thanks!

Now Shane Claiborne and the reason I came back to Portland, Oregon. At Elevate, a gathering of family members on Saturday nights in Hilo, they were taking part in this national preaching about praying and oneness. For one of the messages the people at Elevate chose to show a message Shane gave at a conference in Hawai'i. The message details fail me as the message the Spirit whispered to my heart quickly invaded. Amidst the message, my emotions were being stirred over the areas of people coming together as a loving family, taking care of the people that can't care for themselves, and Portland, Oregon.

So the message went a little like this, 'Michael, the people in Portland, Corvallis, Eugene, and the Willamette Valley are your family. I put you around Paul, Ron, Todd, Kim, all the Youngs, Tyson, Skyeler, Josiah, your Dad, you Mom, your Sister, your Niece, Matt, Melanie, Nick, Gayle, Leeland, Jov, and everyone else that you know are there for a reason. I put you all together so that you would help each other and love each other. Go spend time with the poor in Portland. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right, no matter how big you opponent is I AM with you. I have never left you have I? So go back to Portland and just be who I made you to be and spend time with the people I put you around.'

Technology the answer for humanity?

Recently I started a new job in the Portland area. This was a step in the path that is getting me back into this area for the time that I will be here, but this has not been without its tests along the way. During my first week of training a couple of things happened that really caught my attention and was the cause of a thought process. First, I was listening to my co-workers talk about the graphics on blu-ray televisions and computer monitors and how realistic it looked. Second, I heard one specific co-worker, (let's call him Stephen for anonymities sake), mention how he believes that technology is the answer to save humanity. Quite a couple of things to catch attention huh?



Let's tackle the graphics issue first. I do agree it is kind of cool to see technology coming to the point were what we see looks so real that it almost could be real. How we recognize that in life, nature, and creation there is spectacular beauty and amazing sites. We want to recreate this, but the thought that was cast into my head was this, 'Why not just take a step outside and see it for yourself?' It seems like that we may have taken the real for granted for so long, in our hearts we have almost forgotten about it. There is this chase to find something 'almost' real or so real like that the wonder of the real is lost.


I think I may have just went from a discussion on graphics to something else?


So is this true just for graphics? Probably not if I just look at my life. So many times I end up chasing that which I cannot have or spend time imaging and day dreaming about things and people that are nothing close to the way it simply is. It might be kind of the same thing with God. He is the real, His kingdom is the real, His Son is the real, and yet we are trying to find ways to recreate something that was never made. In this recreation our bench mark is how close can we get it to the real; with graphics and the world and nature this is much easier. Everyone can interact with those in a highly sensual way. How can we use this reasoning on something we don't understand though? Just doesn't make sense to me.





Second, this guy saying technology is the answer to save humanity. Quite a statement. I don't quite see how he could say such a thing. Since when has anything man has created ever saved our souls from anything? It is like when man creates something all it does is boast about how good we are and that we can do anything. Wasn't there a story about the languages of the world being broken up to keep that from happening again? For the most part, when man creates something to save ourselves, that very creation becomes the idol of our destruction. Oaee! Jesus help us.

So Michael what did you learn in Hawaii? (plus some more)

(question from Papa)

Communication is very important. I don't like people getting close and that relationships, community, and family are tough work. Each is worth every second though. Community without Christ is a recipe for contention, drama, and fight or flight responses. Walking is good, not just for physical health, it gives time to talk with You and be at peace inside. Your love is kind always. Trust in You, Period. Desert seasons are tough, but the change is great. Ohana....... Aloha Spirit. The people in the Oregon area you put me around are part of my 'community'. Broken, youth, Your Bride changed to be Your bride is Your heart. Just because its scripture doesn't mean its You! Be content where ever; You are there!
***************************************************************************************
Fight of Da Loneliness
No more, the emptiness

Filled with light and acceptance

Still more, nightmares

Hopes and dreams abound

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Living in love, cups running over

hopelessness pushes, walls move

Dancing with Mercy, the chair is prepared

death waits, waiting, waiting

Floating through a void
a soul wanders lost
until the day comes
when the Guide leads them home

Gems flow forth, rubies and diamonds

wounds driven deep, ever thirsty

wrath poured out down to the last

innocence prevails, reigning

candles burning brightly with the greyness of mystery. a mystery only revealed by One true and bright.

The Scent of Home: Peace in the Battle part 2

Valentine Marino was a young man on his way to a successful life in the eyes of society. Not coming from a family of wealth, but Valentine did not what it was like to go without food either. Growing up in a mid-sized farm community on the border of Pennsylvania and New York. He worked on the farm with his family and was enjoying his life.
"Pop, I've been hearing rumors of conflict coming down overseas and how we might be getting involved soon?" Valentine asked quite curiously.
"Son, I wouldn't worry yourself with such matters. We got plenty to take care of here, you know how this last hail storm nearly destroyed the whole county's crops. We got to salvage what we can and repair the section of fence that was destroyed from Jim's stampeding cattle, not to mention......" was his dad's response. The rest of what he spoke disappeared into the background as Valentine thought on doing his duty to protect what freedom that had in the States. That day him and Jimmy talked with the recruiter at the cafe came quickly rushing back to him.
It was just three months ago, a nice hot Sunday and the boys had a couple extra quarters so they thought that they would get some cokes to cool them down.
"Val, so Misty and I talked in the hall after Math class. She has been having trouble with her English homework and was looking for some help. By God, I am not that stinkin' great either, but if it ain't over my Granny's tombstone I won't give 'er a shot. You just see that way she walks in that purple dress of hers. Damn, if she ain't gonna be the end of me someday." Came Jimmy's nasally voice just after his first sip. He must have been thinking about this since Friday, came to Val's mind, Jimmy just ain't this jumpy with information.
"Yo Jimmy, sounds like she might be working you over. Getting you to jump through her hoops, take care with them girls, they can be real tricky and getting to do things you wouldn't normally do like skipping out on them cards Saturday nights to have tea with her friends."
Jimmy's retort came quickly and almost a little irritated, just the effect Val wanted, "That ain't gonna happen Val. No girl is going to control me like that."
"Yeah. what...." Val started to speak, but was quickly interrupted by a rough voice into their conversation.
"Hey you boys, you hear about what's been happening?"
"Nah, we haven't. What's it to you anyway old man?" Jimmy's irritation growing quickly to anger now. He never was one that was kind to eavesdroppers. This old man ended up sharing about the war happening overseas and how because of it food and metal was in high demand over there. He shared about the glory that came to those that proved themselves good citizens as soldiers and how the Army would help provide for family of good soldiers. Val was paying more attention than Jimmy. He recently proposed to Candace, his girlfriend, since they both were graduating high school soon and knew they wanted to be together forever.
"Scat old man, you ain't getting us to sign no papers so you can get enough money to buy yourself a nice new shiny Chevy. We ain't interested," Jimmy and his rough answers when he was ready to go off and get into another scruff.
"Hey man, it might be better for ya to leave now. I don't mean any offense, I just don't want to see my friend do something stupid and get himself hurt," came Val as the voice of peace and reason.
The recruiter's only response, "Here's my card boys. If you ever change your mind give me a call."
To Valentine this still seemed like yesterday. Since then he graduated, married Candace, and they were living with his mom and dad on the farm. That thought never left him though. At the end of this day, Val made an excuse to go into town and called the Recruiter. That was a year ago. These thoughts came back to him as he got another letter from Candace. The letter smelled of her perfume and it contained a picture of his now almost two year old daughter. These articles of life and home Valentine tucked into his helmet, never wanting them to leave his mind. This little piece of home is all the sanity he has left in the craziness of the field. The bullets and bombs never seem to cease to end. The blood and the smell of burnt and rotting flesh seem to be the cologne on his clothes and the sound of the screams of his friends dying haunt his dreams sometimes. It is getting easier and easier to just not learn the names of the new recruits, less attachment when they die too. Too bad too, they all seem like pretty good boys. Until then though, Candace and Meredith are on his mind and the main driving force for him to be the best.
"The sooner this shit is over, the sooner we can go home," is the most common phrase out of Valentine Marino's mouth in between puffs on his cigarette.

I write this little short story to hopefully show a point. We all have a home, this home is were we belong, the place our life is made complete. For those that feel the longing for this home, when we get scents and pieces of the home, stories of what's happening there, what's going on with the family, that becomes our treasure. At that point the bullets, bombs, guts, blood, alcohol, and cigarette smoke fade into the background of: Home. There is peace in that.

Mirror of Reflection

I sat, looking in a mirror of glass, staring at my imperfections; Using the coals of my past to burn them away leaving only scars that remain in the mirror.

You were there watching

I sat, looking in a broken mirror on the desk, staring at the many reflections of my blemishes. The mirror that was broken by the stone of betrayal; Using the pieces of shattered dreams, to cut away the blemishes. This time not just the spots on the outside, but everything around them, for now in this broken mirror all was defiled; this time only the underlying blood remained.

You were there watching

I sat, looking in the mirror, broken pieces put together oh so slightly, some not quite matching up, but closer to the first;staring at the shattered image of my blemishes; wondering what happened, why me; then I cover the reflection with a black shroud, never to look again; Using anguish to cover my exposed life, hiding from You.No blemishes now, just brokenness.

You were there watching

I lay, staring at the walls around me, forgotten about the mirror only circling, spiraling, chasing the bottom of the drain; longing for an end. Cursing all, mostly the false world in the mirror and the reflection. Using, nothing, not moving, just weeping.

You were there watching and waiting

I sit, on the bed, in the grave shroud, looking at were the mirror lays, forgotten.A light is shining from underneath, pulsing, humming, calling. Using my eyes, staring, forgetting weakness, just staring.

You were there watching and waiting

I stand, on my own two feet, first time in eons; moving towards the now remembered mirror; my clothes, still there, life still exposed, waiting for that end to come; now curiosity. Using my hands, I raise them up to remove the covering on the long forgotten mirror

You were there watching and waiting

I remove the cover, to see a mirror of polished gold; standing there, looking inside the reflection for the very first time (truly), wondering in amazement, what lays before my eyes. Beauty, a thing I have never known; Love, a thing always twisted; Joy, a thing forgotten; Hope, a thing never found. I look even deeper, I see me, remade, no blemish, no scar, no exposed life, all I see is You in that mirror of my soul.

and You were watching






..............and weeping.

Treatsie on Companion

A man is walking down a hallway, pictures lining both sides of the walls. This hallway has been paced many times before, always alone, the pictures never change. Sorrow fills the hallway with sound as pain paints the floor like a carpet.

But You were always there

The pictures showing things of the past, things that once were, things that could have been, things that should have been, things that never will be. Do you believe? a voice echoes out of seemingly nowhere, but everywhere. The man continues to pace, not noticing.

But You were always there

The man has some new pictures on the walls now, but still nothing. His steps slow now as the man has not rested, ever. His feet drag over to the closet to grab a hammer, that he can barely move. Taking it to some of the pictures, he swings, nothing breaks. Over and over again for hours, trying to smash the pictures to no avail. Wearily he drops the hammer and slumps against the wall to the floor, sobbing.

But You were always there

Barely rising, the man walks again up and down the hall, dragging, crawling on his belly, like the worm he feels. Sometimes stopping to look at a picture, then continuing, still weeping. Barely able to move anymore the man pulls up and down the hallway on the carpet of anguish, surrounded by sorrow. Do you believe?

But You were always there

Noticing the question this time, the man tries to squeak an answer, but no moisture is left. He is less than a skeleton; moving onward, the man tries to talk, but nothing comes out. Now frustration sets in. With a new vigor, this ghoul of what was pulls through the hallway.

But You were there

Do you believe? The man tries to scream, Yes! But it is still not working. Finally he gives up, waiting for it to all come crashing down and to have it over. He breaks all his bones and grinds them to dust.DO YOU BELIEVE?! Now thunders through the hallway. The man, broken, just nods his head and cries, but no tears remain.

But You were there

Light floods the hallway, shaking, shattering all the pictures. The walls cave in, the roof falls down, and the floor splits apart. All the man can now see is light, then finally darkness.

But You were there

Asleep at the end of a hallway in which a door stands at one end, a baby lies at the other sleeping, peacefully.

but You were there,

beside me,

Always.

Truth of Companionship

we all want someone to fight for us. take it how you want. people want two things that I know of:
1. Someone that KNOWS them. The details, the fine print. The shit. The things where we know we're AMAZING, & yet the things we hate ourselves for.
2. Someone that WANTS them. Someone that just wants us, & they're not ashamed of it. You are so glorious I just can't quit talking about you.

I want you to KNOW me & still WANT me.

you're fantastic

Tension of Loneliness

A man walks to his car from his house, feeling out of place in that house.
He gets into his car, driving down the road thinking that something else has to be wondering where he is going.
He pulls into a parking lot, gazing out his wondering; feeling alone and that not many understand.
Walking through the park, passing through the crowds of people, the many families, couples, and individuals, yet not being connected to any of them.
This man, cries out for them all from his inner most being, praying and hoping that they would know the One that fills that loneliness, the One that shows everlasting love, the One that is relentlessly pursuing us as we pursue vapor.
How do we find fellowship with the blind when we see, how do you relate the color red to someone that has never seen; how do we share love to people that don't know what it truly is and when confronted with it, RUN?

In a place where sorrow and joy meet, where peace and war, love and hate, order and chaos, balanced and unbalanced, devoted and lethargic, somewhere in there, this tension, do we find what is being sought after, that which completes who we are; only one answer remains, the answer that has been and will be rejected right up until the sky is split.